Posts
Things have been quiet around here - unintended but I think necessary, especially after my last post.
I just wanted to check in - let you all know I'm alive and well, and just...processing. Ben and I are having conversations - about our future, about next steps, about what we want and don't want to do.
I've been thinking about my intention for May, because we're halfway through the month and it's kind of passing in a blur. I've hunkered down and committed to figuring out the way ahead with Ben and right now that's the biggest priority - so I'm letting go of making an intention for May - I'll just pick it back up in June.
I'll be back soon - in fact, I'm hoping next week to have a week of great book reviews for you (I've had some sitting in my "drafts" for months!) to help re-energize my blogging mojo.
Until then - what's been going on in your world? How are you monthly intentions going?
May 16, 2013
May 6, 2013
Staying Afloat
Today has been hard. I've been happy, and laughing, and singing along to something ridiculous in my car (no really, I have the same musical tastes as a 15-year old), when all of a sudden a noise, a lyric, a movement, triggers an emotion and brings me spiraling down.
I'm amazed at how incredible parts of my life can be - how happy and content I feel, while at the same time still waiting and wondering if we'll ever be able to expand our family.
Before it's been like a punch to the gut - wondering why we have to struggle with infertility; lately, it seems more like I'm floating in the water and all of a sudden an anvil gets dropped on me. I realize I can't hold it and swim at the same time. It's taking everything in me to simply stay afloat, and my energy is fading fast.
Last night I had a dream I was pregnant - this isn't too unusual and I really don't read anything into these dreams anymore (especially considering some of the name choices that come out of them), but last night wasn't seeing myself pregnant or having the baby, it was simply the discovery. It was realizing this dream had finally come true - and the joy - oh, I can't even describe it. I woke up with damp eyes because I had been crying in the dream...and then I realized it was just a dream and the tears became real.
I don't want it to be just a dream. I don't want to have to "stay afloat," and I don't want to have to live my life constantly wondering when the dark feelings and anger are going to claw their way to surface again. But I don't know if that will change.
I have all kinds of coping mechanisms - I embrace the feelings, I cry, I laugh, I divert my attention - I've done it all. I'm just not sure how much longer I can keep doing it, and I have no idea if an end is in sight.
About this time three years ago, Ben and I began to seriously talk about starting a family. We dreamed of ways we would tell our families we were pregnant, and I giggled when I imagined having to actually take a pregnancy test, because I knew I would be one of those women who just knew when it happened.
I don't really believe in regrets, but sometimes I wish I could go back to that time just for a moment - to those carefree we're about to begin the next chapter in our lives conversations because that innocence we had is long gone. It was sustained for awhile, but somewhere between too many negative pregnancy tests to count, blood draws, and diagnoses, that innocence crumbled like a house of cards.
It shouldn't be this hard. I shouldn't have to feel like I simply need to stay afloat.
But it is.
And I simply don't know what to do with that anymore.
I'm amazed at how incredible parts of my life can be - how happy and content I feel, while at the same time still waiting and wondering if we'll ever be able to expand our family.
Before it's been like a punch to the gut - wondering why we have to struggle with infertility; lately, it seems more like I'm floating in the water and all of a sudden an anvil gets dropped on me. I realize I can't hold it and swim at the same time. It's taking everything in me to simply stay afloat, and my energy is fading fast.
Last night I had a dream I was pregnant - this isn't too unusual and I really don't read anything into these dreams anymore (especially considering some of the name choices that come out of them), but last night wasn't seeing myself pregnant or having the baby, it was simply the discovery. It was realizing this dream had finally come true - and the joy - oh, I can't even describe it. I woke up with damp eyes because I had been crying in the dream...and then I realized it was just a dream and the tears became real.
I don't want it to be just a dream. I don't want to have to "stay afloat," and I don't want to have to live my life constantly wondering when the dark feelings and anger are going to claw their way to surface again. But I don't know if that will change.
I have all kinds of coping mechanisms - I embrace the feelings, I cry, I laugh, I divert my attention - I've done it all. I'm just not sure how much longer I can keep doing it, and I have no idea if an end is in sight.
About this time three years ago, Ben and I began to seriously talk about starting a family. We dreamed of ways we would tell our families we were pregnant, and I giggled when I imagined having to actually take a pregnancy test, because I knew I would be one of those women who just knew when it happened.
I don't really believe in regrets, but sometimes I wish I could go back to that time just for a moment - to those carefree we're about to begin the next chapter in our lives conversations because that innocence we had is long gone. It was sustained for awhile, but somewhere between too many negative pregnancy tests to count, blood draws, and diagnoses, that innocence crumbled like a house of cards.
It shouldn't be this hard. I shouldn't have to feel like I simply need to stay afloat.
But it is.
And I simply don't know what to do with that anymore.
May 2, 2013
Single Infertile Female
Single Infertile Female by Leah Campbell
My rating: 4 stars
From the back cover: First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in the baby carriage. That's how the story goes, right? We all grow up hearing the same fairy tales, and imagining the same futures. But what happens when the future you have always pictures for yourself, is ripped away before you ever even get the chance to pursue it? Single Infertile Female tells the story of a girl, still young and looking for love, who is hit with a medical diagnosis that threatens to destroy the future she always believed she would have. Faced with a choice between now or never, she has to decide if love and marriage should always have to come first. And if they don't can you still keep looking for them, even while actively pursuing that baby in the baby carriage?
I've followed Leah's story for awhile - I can't remember how I found her blog, and throughout time I've fallen in and out of reading it, but I am always drawn back because her writing is so raw and honest.
Her book is no different.
Don't let the title fool you - this book is about more than infertility.
It's about finding yourself and learning how you handle situations you never thought you'd experience; about trying new things and picking yourself up when they don't work out the way you planned; about relationships of all kinds - romantic, friends, and family. I started this book because of the Leah's journey with infertility, but I finished it because of her.
Granted, I related more to the infertility parts of the book than some of the relationship aspects, so I want to share a few of my favorite snippets with you. (I really had to pick and choose because I flagged so many pages I could fill a whole post with quotes!)
"The first time someone casually labels you 'infertile,' it feels as though they have just sucker punched you across the jaw." (35)
"This was how I knew that I was ready to be a mother: because the idea of not being a mother made me feel like I could not breathe." (64)
"Because that was the insanity of infertility - continuing to hope and pray and believe, even when knowing better." (305)
At times I forgot this was memoir. That sounds weird, right? But I was so engaged with this story I wanted to find out what happened next - I didn't want to put it down! I took this book with me to Vegas and in the evenings I wanted to curl up with it instead of gambling - that says something, right?
There were times near the end when some of the people (I almost wrote characters - ha!) were making me crazy - times when I wanted to scream and shake them and say "what are you thinking?" But I also know the books that pull me in that much are the ones that stay with me the longest.
I would absolutely recommend this book - whether you deal with infertility or not - I can't emphasize enough how much I respect Leah, her writing style, and of course, her story. I'll leave you with one last quote - one that resonated with me because I try to live my life this way as well.
"I did learn a long time ago that life is a hell of a lot easier if you force yourself to focus on what you do have instead of what you have lost." (328)
Have you read this book? Do you follow her blog? What are you waiting for - get on it!
My rating: 4 stars
From the back cover: First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in the baby carriage. That's how the story goes, right? We all grow up hearing the same fairy tales, and imagining the same futures. But what happens when the future you have always pictures for yourself, is ripped away before you ever even get the chance to pursue it? Single Infertile Female tells the story of a girl, still young and looking for love, who is hit with a medical diagnosis that threatens to destroy the future she always believed she would have. Faced with a choice between now or never, she has to decide if love and marriage should always have to come first. And if they don't can you still keep looking for them, even while actively pursuing that baby in the baby carriage?
Her book is no different.
Don't let the title fool you - this book is about more than infertility.
It's about finding yourself and learning how you handle situations you never thought you'd experience; about trying new things and picking yourself up when they don't work out the way you planned; about relationships of all kinds - romantic, friends, and family. I started this book because of the Leah's journey with infertility, but I finished it because of her.
Granted, I related more to the infertility parts of the book than some of the relationship aspects, so I want to share a few of my favorite snippets with you. (I really had to pick and choose because I flagged so many pages I could fill a whole post with quotes!)
"The first time someone casually labels you 'infertile,' it feels as though they have just sucker punched you across the jaw." (35)
"This was how I knew that I was ready to be a mother: because the idea of not being a mother made me feel like I could not breathe." (64)
"Because that was the insanity of infertility - continuing to hope and pray and believe, even when knowing better." (305)
At times I forgot this was memoir. That sounds weird, right? But I was so engaged with this story I wanted to find out what happened next - I didn't want to put it down! I took this book with me to Vegas and in the evenings I wanted to curl up with it instead of gambling - that says something, right?
There were times near the end when some of the people (I almost wrote characters - ha!) were making me crazy - times when I wanted to scream and shake them and say "what are you thinking?" But I also know the books that pull me in that much are the ones that stay with me the longest.
I would absolutely recommend this book - whether you deal with infertility or not - I can't emphasize enough how much I respect Leah, her writing style, and of course, her story. I'll leave you with one last quote - one that resonated with me because I try to live my life this way as well.
"I did learn a long time ago that life is a hell of a lot easier if you force yourself to focus on what you do have instead of what you have lost." (328)
Have you read this book? Do you follow her blog? What are you waiting for - get on it!
Apr 30, 2013
Lessons from Las Vegas
Before I get into this post I wanted to announce the Spring Fling Giveaway winner! The winner is the lovely Lindsey - send me an email to collect your winnings, and thanks to all who participated!
So I went to Las Vegas for a quick weekend. No really, a quick weekend - like 50 hours on the ground. My schedule was packed but it was really fun!
I like to learn wherever I go, so why would Vegas be any different? Here are some things my Las Vegas trip taught me.
*Spirit Airlines is not my favorite. Let me be clear - the flights themselves were fine and the staff was very nice. However, I realized the reason the ticket was so cheap is they charge you for everything they "provide." You pay to check a bag and to carry-on - so unless you're walking through the gate empty-handed you're paying something. Most airlines don't provide food on flights but Spirit didn't even provide a drink - if you wanted anything, you paid for it. (Luckily I was warned about this so no problem). However, I think my biggest problem with them was the almost minimal leg room and the fact that their seats DID NOT RECLINE. I know, I know, first world problems, right? But when you've adjusted to a time change and only been in Vegas for 50 hours and are flying back on a red-eye, not having reclining seats seems like a cruel joke.
*There's a freedom in wearing clothes in Vegas. This can be taken literally (I saw some skimpy outfits), or figuratively. Some people say Vegas is trashy and I'm sure there are parts of it that are, but the over-used "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas," exists for a reason - you get there and you're not worried about what all these strangers think of you. I saw ball gowns and bikinis - it's freeing to see people that aren't worried about something as small as their appearance.
*IN-N-OUT Burger is...good. I know, I know, some people feel about IN-N-OUT Burger the way I feel about Steak 'n Shake, and it was definitely good, but not life-changing. (Ben says this means I didn't get the right thing).
*They will bring you drinks while you gamble. I understand this is to get you to stay in one place andlose spend more money, but when you're playing penny slot machines, having a couple drinks and losing $20 is pretty much breaking even. I'll take it.
*There's not a lot to do. This might seem like a no-brainer, but unless you're going to see a lot of shows or really want to gamble, there's not much outside the strip. This is why Vegas is the perfect weekend - you have a good time, you can people watch and after a couple days you're ready to go home.
Have you ever been to Vegas? What are some lessons you've learned from trips you've taken?
So I went to Las Vegas for a quick weekend. No really, a quick weekend - like 50 hours on the ground. My schedule was packed but it was really fun!
 |
| First thing I saw when I got off the airplane! |
*Spirit Airlines is not my favorite. Let me be clear - the flights themselves were fine and the staff was very nice. However, I realized the reason the ticket was so cheap is they charge you for everything they "provide." You pay to check a bag and to carry-on - so unless you're walking through the gate empty-handed you're paying something. Most airlines don't provide food on flights but Spirit didn't even provide a drink - if you wanted anything, you paid for it. (Luckily I was warned about this so no problem). However, I think my biggest problem with them was the almost minimal leg room and the fact that their seats DID NOT RECLINE. I know, I know, first world problems, right? But when you've adjusted to a time change and only been in Vegas for 50 hours and are flying back on a red-eye, not having reclining seats seems like a cruel joke.
*There's a freedom in wearing clothes in Vegas. This can be taken literally (I saw some skimpy outfits), or figuratively. Some people say Vegas is trashy and I'm sure there are parts of it that are, but the over-used "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas," exists for a reason - you get there and you're not worried about what all these strangers think of you. I saw ball gowns and bikinis - it's freeing to see people that aren't worried about something as small as their appearance.
*They will bring you drinks while you gamble. I understand this is to get you to stay in one place and
*There's not a lot to do. This might seem like a no-brainer, but unless you're going to see a lot of shows or really want to gamble, there's not much outside the strip. This is why Vegas is the perfect weekend - you have a good time, you can people watch and after a couple days you're ready to go home.
Have you ever been to Vegas? What are some lessons you've learned from trips you've taken?
Apr 25, 2013
Virtual Coffee Date
I had grand plans for a couple more posts this week but it's been a little busy so I thought I'd just play catch up instead with another virtual coffee date.
If we were having coffee this morning I would tell you how proud I am of More Love Letters. It's incredible to watch it grow and I am continually amazed and humbled by how people pour their hearts into letters for strangers. I'd also tell you how this weekend is LLYC - Love Letter Your Community and I'd encourage you to leave a few love letters around in your favorite places.
If we were having coffee this morning I would tell you how I'm jetting off for a quick trip to Vegas tonight, and while I am pumped I am also nervous about being constantly tired - I will only be there for about 50 hours. (Remember my fast trip to Ohio earlier this year? Like that only with a three hour time change). But, I would also tell you I plan to love letter Las Vegas - I love leaving letters in a new city!
If we were having coffee this morning I would remind you to enter my giveaway because it's only open until tomorrow night! (Remember - you can tweet about it daily for extra entries, just leave me a comment telling me you did so!)
If we were having coffee this morning I would tell you how I have been failing at getting to bed at a decent time for the past couple of weeks and something has to change. (Another reason I'm worried about my tiredness this weekend). Um...at least I can sleep on the plane?
If we were having coffee this morning I would remind you it's National Infertility Awareness Week - and I'd encourage you to do something to help spread awareness - even if it's just sharing this post.
If we were having coffee this morning I would tell you how I got this book yesterday and I cannot wait to start it!
If we were having coffee this morning what would you tell me?
If we were having coffee this morning I would tell you how proud I am of More Love Letters. It's incredible to watch it grow and I am continually amazed and humbled by how people pour their hearts into letters for strangers. I'd also tell you how this weekend is LLYC - Love Letter Your Community and I'd encourage you to leave a few love letters around in your favorite places.
If we were having coffee this morning I would tell you how I'm jetting off for a quick trip to Vegas tonight, and while I am pumped I am also nervous about being constantly tired - I will only be there for about 50 hours. (Remember my fast trip to Ohio earlier this year? Like that only with a three hour time change). But, I would also tell you I plan to love letter Las Vegas - I love leaving letters in a new city!
If we were having coffee this morning I would remind you to enter my giveaway because it's only open until tomorrow night! (Remember - you can tweet about it daily for extra entries, just leave me a comment telling me you did so!)
If we were having coffee this morning I would tell you how I have been failing at getting to bed at a decent time for the past couple of weeks and something has to change. (Another reason I'm worried about my tiredness this weekend). Um...at least I can sleep on the plane?
If we were having coffee this morning I would remind you it's National Infertility Awareness Week - and I'd encourage you to do something to help spread awareness - even if it's just sharing this post.
If we were having coffee this morning I would tell you how I got this book yesterday and I cannot wait to start it!
If we were having coffee this morning what would you tell me?
Apr 23, 2013
The shame of silence
*It's National Infertility Awareness Week - I encourage you to read and share information to help make people more aware. As always, thanks for being so supportive of me sharing here!*
I'm the kind of person who takes something and runs with it. I've always said, "I need to find a cause to advocate for - because once I find it, I know I can make a difference."
Well the cause found me - in the form of infertility. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome in December of 2011, and a year later was told the best chance Ben and I have of getting pregnant involves medical intervention. This June, we will have been "trying" for three years.
First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes...peeing on sticks and visits to the doctor?
(Doesn't quite have the same ring to it, huh?)
Through it all, Ben and I have managed to grow closer. We've laughed at the ridiculous, researched medical terms, and held each other up when the going has gotten tough - we've moved through it together.
Infertility can wreak havoc on an individual, not to mention on a marriage; it eats away at the very core of you, and can easily turn from annoyance to a way of life. It plants seeds of doubt - about yourself, your partner, your worthiness to become a parent - which blossom when you are your most vulnerable. It's ugly, and painful, and leaves a hole in your heart you're not sure will ever be filled.
But this is why we have to talk about it.
Infertility is a roller coaster of emotion and while there are some highs, there are some extreme lows. When we feel ashamed, we should talk about it. When we're feeling angry, we should talk about it. When we're feeling hopeful, we definitely should talk about it.
There's a stigma attached to the word infertility and it goes hand in hand with silence. It's personal, and can be painful, and people don't want to intrude so it's not discussed.
Is it hard to talk about your struggles? Of course. But it is absolutely necessary.
People need to know there's more to infertility than associating it with IVF. People want to know what is good (and not so good) to say to someone struggling. People should know that it's okay to embrace their emotions - but no one will know if a conversation isn't started.
Whether it's your experience or someone else's I encourage you to stop whispering and start talking.
There's no shame in infertility - but there is in the silence.
(If you'd like more information about how to help get those conversations started, visit Resolve.org, and do something this week to bring awareness to Infertility).
I'm the kind of person who takes something and runs with it. I've always said, "I need to find a cause to advocate for - because once I find it, I know I can make a difference."
Well the cause found me - in the form of infertility. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome in December of 2011, and a year later was told the best chance Ben and I have of getting pregnant involves medical intervention. This June, we will have been "trying" for three years.
First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes...peeing on sticks and visits to the doctor?
(Doesn't quite have the same ring to it, huh?)
Through it all, Ben and I have managed to grow closer. We've laughed at the ridiculous, researched medical terms, and held each other up when the going has gotten tough - we've moved through it together.
Infertility can wreak havoc on an individual, not to mention on a marriage; it eats away at the very core of you, and can easily turn from annoyance to a way of life. It plants seeds of doubt - about yourself, your partner, your worthiness to become a parent - which blossom when you are your most vulnerable. It's ugly, and painful, and leaves a hole in your heart you're not sure will ever be filled.
But this is why we have to talk about it.
Infertility is a roller coaster of emotion and while there are some highs, there are some extreme lows. When we feel ashamed, we should talk about it. When we're feeling angry, we should talk about it. When we're feeling hopeful, we definitely should talk about it.
There's a stigma attached to the word infertility and it goes hand in hand with silence. It's personal, and can be painful, and people don't want to intrude so it's not discussed.
Is it hard to talk about your struggles? Of course. But it is absolutely necessary.
People need to know there's more to infertility than associating it with IVF. People want to know what is good (and not so good) to say to someone struggling. People should know that it's okay to embrace their emotions - but no one will know if a conversation isn't started.
Whether it's your experience or someone else's I encourage you to stop whispering and start talking.
There's no shame in infertility - but there is in the silence.
(If you'd like more information about how to help get those conversations started, visit Resolve.org, and do something this week to bring awareness to Infertility).
Apr 22, 2013
Spring Fling Giveaway!
After the heaviness of last week I thought something light would be a nice way to kick off Monday. I'm looking for the kindness in myself and others and what better way than a giveaway?
Here's what's at stake:
*Mint polka dot bag from Target (you're pretty lucky I'm not keeping this for myself - it's cute!)
*Small "bird" bag from one of my favorite Etsy shops
*A little something from a company I love
*Starbucks Tazo Passion Tea
*A necklace from the lovely Lisa Leonard (it's a gold heart hand-stamped with the word "love")
*The Language of Flowers - a book I recently read that I loved so much I needed to share. (Review coming soon!)
I'm so excited for you to win this! The giveaway is open to U.S. and Canada - and will close this Friday, April 26th at 11:59 PM (EST). I'll pick the winner this weekend and announce it next week.
How to enter:
1. Leave a comment telling me an act of kindness you did (or are going to do) today - this could be as simple as complimenting a stranger's outfit or holding the door for someone with their hands full, but feel free to be creative!
Extra Entries:
1. Like Love Everyday Life's Facebook page and leave a comment on this post saying you're a fan. (Also, keep an eye out - there might be additional ways for you to win announced throughout the week on the Facebook page).
2. Tag me in a tweet about this giveaway and leave me a comment on this post with your Twitter handle. (You can tweet about the giveaway once a day for extra entries but be sure to leave a comment for each tweet you send!)
Happy Monday!
*Disclaimer: I was not compensated for any of these products. I bought everything (or got it as a bonus with a purchase) on my own. I've giving away these items because I love them and want to share!*
Here's what's at stake:
*Small "bird" bag from one of my favorite Etsy shops
*A little something from a company I love
*Starbucks Tazo Passion Tea
*A necklace from the lovely Lisa Leonard (it's a gold heart hand-stamped with the word "love")
*The Language of Flowers - a book I recently read that I loved so much I needed to share. (Review coming soon!)
I'm so excited for you to win this! The giveaway is open to U.S. and Canada - and will close this Friday, April 26th at 11:59 PM (EST). I'll pick the winner this weekend and announce it next week.
How to enter:
1. Leave a comment telling me an act of kindness you did (or are going to do) today - this could be as simple as complimenting a stranger's outfit or holding the door for someone with their hands full, but feel free to be creative!
Extra Entries:
1. Like Love Everyday Life's Facebook page and leave a comment on this post saying you're a fan. (Also, keep an eye out - there might be additional ways for you to win announced throughout the week on the Facebook page).
2. Tag me in a tweet about this giveaway and leave me a comment on this post with your Twitter handle. (You can tweet about the giveaway once a day for extra entries but be sure to leave a comment for each tweet you send!)
Happy Monday!
*Disclaimer: I was not compensated for any of these products. I bought everything (or got it as a bonus with a purchase) on my own. I've giving away these items because I love them and want to share!*
Apr 17, 2013
Moving On
Columbine.
September 11th.
Virginia Tech.
Aurora.
Newtown.
Boston.
There's talk of light, and hope, and how good trumps evil. People grieve and are kinder to each other.
But at some point routines re-surface, and the stabbing hurt that's settled on our hearts fades to a dull ache. As they say, "life goes on."
I don't know how.
I was in high school when the Columbine shooting happened - in a high school. I was a freshman in college when 9/11 happened, and wasn't too far out of college when the 2007 shooting at Virginia Tech occurred - only miles from where I went to school.
As Ben and I are trying to start a family I grieved for Aurora - because a parent should always feel safe when their kids go to a movie. So many people I love are runners, and in Boston on Monday, when runners should feel triumphant at finishing a marathon, they were scared, and injured, and fearful. It's like I'm growing up with these tragedies and each one is harder for me to move through.
I want to curl up in a ball and sob until my body is empty of tears.
If the tears are gone, does that mean this tragedy will be too? Does it mean we can fix the lives that were shattered by these senseless acts?
No.
My tears don't re-assemble the pieces of the grieving parents of children who were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Tears don't heal the hearts of people in the smoke, wondering where their loved ones were, as they lay there bleeding.
My heart is breaking. Every minute I'm thinking of someone's pain and suffering and I don't know how to move through it. Sure I go through every day motions - go to work, write emails, check social media - but I feel removed from it all. It seems wrong to put it out of my mind - why should I when some people are still living it?
What do you do when you can't fix something and you know the words you're saying aren't going to change anything?
What do you do when you can see someone's pain - lurking as if beneath the surface of the ocean, any ripple of water bringing forth waves of hurt?
How do you cope?
How do you possibly move on?
September 11th.
Virginia Tech.
Aurora.
Newtown.
Boston.
There's talk of light, and hope, and how good trumps evil. People grieve and are kinder to each other.
But at some point routines re-surface, and the stabbing hurt that's settled on our hearts fades to a dull ache. As they say, "life goes on."
I don't know how.
I was in high school when the Columbine shooting happened - in a high school. I was a freshman in college when 9/11 happened, and wasn't too far out of college when the 2007 shooting at Virginia Tech occurred - only miles from where I went to school.
As Ben and I are trying to start a family I grieved for Aurora - because a parent should always feel safe when their kids go to a movie. So many people I love are runners, and in Boston on Monday, when runners should feel triumphant at finishing a marathon, they were scared, and injured, and fearful. It's like I'm growing up with these tragedies and each one is harder for me to move through.
I want to curl up in a ball and sob until my body is empty of tears.
If the tears are gone, does that mean this tragedy will be too? Does it mean we can fix the lives that were shattered by these senseless acts?
No.
My tears don't re-assemble the pieces of the grieving parents of children who were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Tears don't heal the hearts of people in the smoke, wondering where their loved ones were, as they lay there bleeding.
My heart is breaking. Every minute I'm thinking of someone's pain and suffering and I don't know how to move through it. Sure I go through every day motions - go to work, write emails, check social media - but I feel removed from it all. It seems wrong to put it out of my mind - why should I when some people are still living it?
What do you do when you can't fix something and you know the words you're saying aren't going to change anything?
What do you do when you can see someone's pain - lurking as if beneath the surface of the ocean, any ripple of water bringing forth waves of hurt?
How do you cope?
How do you possibly move on?
Apr 15, 2013
I hope I never understand
Bombs. Explosions. Panic.
I read stories of people not knowing where their loved ones are and if they are okay.
I read reports of people running into the explosions to help, and see photos of first responders carrying people from the finish line.
I read tweets about runners finishing the 26.2 mile marathon and then running on to the hospital to give blood for the victims.
I don't understand why things like this happen.
I don't understand why anyone would deliberately try to hurt someone else.
I don't understand the desire to destroy lives.
I hope I never understand those feelings.
"Life is so often unfair and painful and love is hard to find and you have to take it whenever and wherever you can get it, no matter how brief it is or how it ends."
- Those Who Save Us by Jenna Blum
My heart is with you Boston.
I read stories of people not knowing where their loved ones are and if they are okay.
I read reports of people running into the explosions to help, and see photos of first responders carrying people from the finish line.
I read tweets about runners finishing the 26.2 mile marathon and then running on to the hospital to give blood for the victims.
I don't understand why things like this happen.
I don't understand why anyone would deliberately try to hurt someone else.
I don't understand the desire to destroy lives.
I hope I never understand those feelings.
"Life is so often unfair and painful and love is hard to find and you have to take it whenever and wherever you can get it, no matter how brief it is or how it ends."
- Those Who Save Us by Jenna Blum
My heart is with you Boston.
Apr 12, 2013
Meet Me in St. Louie
It started when we visited for a wedding, while celebrating our fifth wedding anniversary.
At one point during that trip Ben asked, "would you ever consider moving out here?" I think I surprised us both when I said yes. (Followed quickly by "but I wouldn't let our kids call it pop. It's soda.")
We've been mulling the idea around - not like, we're-going-to-move-this-instant, but more of a would-we-really-do-this-and-if-so...how kind of way.
Ben and I fell in love with St. Louis in October, but decided we needed to go back - in a different season, to not stay in a fancy hotel, and to see more of the city and surrounding areas. A week ago we headed to St. Louis to spend a long weekend with Nora and Knight (and their pup Jack), and while we were definitely on vacation, we also wanted to know if we could envision ourselves creating a life there.
Long term? We think we could, but there would be a lot of moving parts and if we did decide to move it wouldn't be for a couple more years.
I thought that would be hard for me to admit - I'm an East Coaster through and through. Without realizing it I fall into all the cliches: I wear a lot of black, I talk fast, I get impatient when driving (although that's more the D.C. area in general), I don't make eye contact with strangers on the street, etc.
I love visiting other places in the country but I'm always happy to come home. But I was nothing but sad to see this trip end.
Would it be hard to eventually leave our friends and family and amazing support we've created in this area? Of course. But there's a pull to St. Louis I've never felt for any other city.
So we'll see. Nothing is being planned right now, but wow did we have an amazing time. It was the perfect mix of doing things and down time. We saw the Arch, ate delicious chicken at Hodak's, visited the coolest handmade soap store ever and even took a tour of it to learn about the history of soap - hilarious and interesting! We adored a pop-up library during walks with Jack, ate custard at a St. Louis landmark, visited the zoo, the Hill, drank coffee and pina coladas (not at the same time), soaked up time with Nora and Knight, indulged in lots of Jack cuddles, and a whole host of others things that would take a lot of time to write. So I could tell you...or I could just show you.
A little video disclaimer: please excuse the craziness of my bangs. (They have since been trimmed).
Meet Me in St Louie from Becky on Vimeo.
(Song: What I Wouldn't Do by A Fine Frenzy)
Have you ever visited a place you've seriously considered moving to? Have you felt that "pull" from a city like I have?
(Big shout out to Ben for helping me with this video and to Nora and Knight for being such fabulous hosts!)
At one point during that trip Ben asked, "would you ever consider moving out here?" I think I surprised us both when I said yes. (Followed quickly by "but I wouldn't let our kids call it pop. It's soda.")
We've been mulling the idea around - not like, we're-going-to-move-this-instant, but more of a would-we-really-do-this-and-if-so...how kind of way.
Ben and I fell in love with St. Louis in October, but decided we needed to go back - in a different season, to not stay in a fancy hotel, and to see more of the city and surrounding areas. A week ago we headed to St. Louis to spend a long weekend with Nora and Knight (and their pup Jack), and while we were definitely on vacation, we also wanted to know if we could envision ourselves creating a life there.
Long term? We think we could, but there would be a lot of moving parts and if we did decide to move it wouldn't be for a couple more years.
I thought that would be hard for me to admit - I'm an East Coaster through and through. Without realizing it I fall into all the cliches: I wear a lot of black, I talk fast, I get impatient when driving (although that's more the D.C. area in general), I don't make eye contact with strangers on the street, etc.
I love visiting other places in the country but I'm always happy to come home. But I was nothing but sad to see this trip end.
So we'll see. Nothing is being planned right now, but wow did we have an amazing time. It was the perfect mix of doing things and down time. We saw the Arch, ate delicious chicken at Hodak's, visited the coolest handmade soap store ever and even took a tour of it to learn about the history of soap - hilarious and interesting! We adored a pop-up library during walks with Jack, ate custard at a St. Louis landmark, visited the zoo, the Hill, drank coffee and pina coladas (not at the same time), soaked up time with Nora and Knight, indulged in lots of Jack cuddles, and a whole host of others things that would take a lot of time to write. So I could tell you...or I could just show you.
A little video disclaimer: please excuse the craziness of my bangs. (They have since been trimmed).
Meet Me in St Louie from Becky on Vimeo.
(Song: What I Wouldn't Do by A Fine Frenzy)
Have you ever visited a place you've seriously considered moving to? Have you felt that "pull" from a city like I have?
(Big shout out to Ben for helping me with this video and to Nora and Knight for being such fabulous hosts!)
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