Mar 23, 2015

36 weeks

First off, thanks to all who entered the If You Find This Letter giveaway! The winner is Amber from A Little Pink in the Cornfields - send me an email to claim your prize! And everyone else, go buy this book! 
How far along: 36 weeks - eight months and seriously in the home stretch! I'm going to do updates weekly now because I feel like I could "go" at any time!

How big is baby: In the past two weeks Lemon went from the size of a cantaloupe, to a honeydew melon, and is now the size of a head of romaine lettuce. And according to my ultrasound this morning he already weighs 5 and 1/2 pounds!

Anxious about: How much longer I'm going to be pregnant. I'm telling myself I really only have to get through two more weeks (38 weeks is technically full-term), and I want him to be fully ready with good lungs and everything, but I'm so ready to just meet him already! I've started a countdown on our chalkboard in the kitchen - it feels good to actively do something each morning.
Anticipating: Going to the hospital! This sounds weird but it's kind of fun not knowing when I'm going to go into labor. As long as my water doesn't break while I'm sitting at my desk at work (ha!) I'm good. I'm up a lot in the middle of the night so I told Ben I wouldn't be surprised if we have Lemon at like 4 in the morning - we'll see!

Diet/Cravings/Aversions: Still highly susceptible to suggestions, even while watching Netflix, but otherwise just eating a lot these days.

Movement: Ohh, movement, how I love thee. Lemon is active during the day, but is most definitely a nighttime baby. Ben and I laugh as we're in bed because we'll see him moving and making parts of my stomach lopsided because of where he is!

The belly: Woah belly! I swear I get bigger every day! It's definitely hindering movement and making me more awkward, and sometimes just walking up a flight of stairs takes it out of me.

Miscellaneous: As excited as we're getting, I'm also pretty uncomfortable at this stage. Mid-day I feel hit by a truck tired, and nine times out of ten when I come home I just get in bed - not to sleep but just to rest for awhile. Also, if I sleep more then a couple hours at a time at night when I wake up, my bladder is so full it's physically painful to walk to the bathroom; I've been setting an alarm for an hour and a half after I go to sleep, and then waking myself up no more than every two hours afterwards. Most nights it works well but is also pretty exhausting.

Things that made me laugh/cry: Finishing the nursery. There's one thing left to do (maybe putting a decal on one of the walls), but otherwise Lemon's room is ready for him and I love being in there. We were gifted so much of what's there I feel such a sense of love and community, I feel like my heart simply might burst with joy! (Pictures coming soon!)

I also love seeing Ben interact with Lemon. Whenever I'm leaving he always tells my belly bye, and is constantly talking to my stomach - and Lemon responds! I think he likes the sound of Ben's voice because sometimes when Ben starts talking and is on the other side of the room he'll start kicking and moving around. I can't wait to see how they are with each other once he's here!

Best moment of the week: My 36-week appointment went well this morning, but the doctor wasn't sure if Lemon had turned yet or not (at this point he should be head down). Because he was in such a weird position when we last went in for monitoring, my doctor sent us to do an ultrasound this morning to confirm. He is head down (yay!) he's just up really high. The ultrasound tech was so nice - she explained everything we were seeing and even did some 4D pictures for us, which were incredible! The one below is him sucking on his fingers - it was the sweetest thing to watch him putting his hand in and out of his mouth throughout the appointment! (Also, those cheeks? Oh my goodness!)
Excuse the quality - I snapped a picture of the picture with my phone!
Also, I had a moment of pure joy this past weekend. My cousin and I did a little shopping in the morning, I came home and took a nap, and then when I got up to run an errand I was looking at myself in the mirror and simply marveling at this whole experience. Yes I'm uncomfortable and tired and really ready to not be pregnant anymore, but Lemon is moving and growing and sometimes it makes me downright giddy! I was thinking about how it's going to be when he's here and how everything I'm imagining is probably going to be completely different, yet better, and for the first time since I found out I was pregnant, I didn't caveat that thought with "well, if everything still goes all right." I think I'm finally finding the joy in this pregnancy and I'm so so grateful.

Mar 18, 2015

Photos to cherish

(Just a reminder - there's still time to enter my giveaway to win If You Find This Letter - hop on over to enter!)

Last weekend we got together with our incredibly talented friend Jess to take some maternity photos. We had so much fun (we always do when we use her), and I'm so excited to share them with you!
Kisses for our boy!

At one point Jess asked if there were any poses or photos in particular we wanted to get and in my head all I could think was oh my gosh, this is really happening. We're having a baby! This is the photo that came after.
One of my favorites!
Working with Jess was so fun and I felt so happy and beautiful - I'm so glad we did this and have this time captured. (If you're in the Northern Virginia area, I highly recommend her as a photographer!)

Mar 16, 2015

If You Find This Letter

You all know how much More Love Letters is a part of my life.  I share about our campaigns - Barista Bundles, 12 Days of Love Letters, the list could go on and on. Being a part of the More Love Letters team has been such an incredible blessing!

I remember when Hannah was first getting everything off founded - we'd have Saturday morning Skype dates, and talk about how excited that we now had 150 followers on Twitter! This has turned into a worldwide movement and has changed so many people's lives for the better.

It is with the proudest heart possible that I share with you Hannah's book that came out last Tuesday - If You Find This Letter: My Journey to Find Purpose Through Hundreds of Letters to Strangers.

You guys. She wrote a book.

It's her story of the year leading up to More Love Letters being created. It is real, and raw, and so incredibly written I am simply bursting with joy over it! I could go on and on about it, or I could just let her words show you how wonderful it is.

Quotes where her writing was so beautiful I simply had to flag it:

"It was two days before Christmas and we were sitting in the middle of the town's Starbucks. And, as it always goes with old friendships, we cradled lattes between our hands and built bridges back into the lives of each other with all the stories that happened between September of the school year and now." (17) 

"...books change you. They mess up your insides. They make you drool over the prospect of being a better human being and a better lover and a better friend. They pull at your stomach and leave you raw and open and naked. Books can straight up mangle you and sometimes it's just better if you let them do your work." (93)

A lot of what she says about faith (finding it, losing it, learning to trust it), really resonated with me.

"I just remember thinking the stars were so reliable. I felt it as I drew my legs in close to my body and wrapped my arms around them; the stars are reliable, unlike any other thing in this crazy world. Leaves fall off the trees. Snow melts. Rain washes away all the things we wrote on the pavement. But the stars are relentless in shining. When it came to talk with God, I wanted to believe He was like those stars. If I looked, He'd be there." (152)

"Grace is letting something else - something so much bigger than you - carry you home. It's having and wanting nowhere else to be but in a moment that wants you and takes you just as you are." (156)
The sign of a great book is when the author is talking about one thing, yet you can relate to it on a completely different level. There were a lot of moments in this book like that - here are just a few:

"Hope can be a mighty powerful thing when you decide to tangle it into a journey. Hope can shake things up a bit. It'll convince you that even if you don't know what direction you're headed in, something will meet you at the end." (86) 

"Because sometimes we don't get stronger right when we want to. And sometimes an attitude change isn't as simple as we think it can be. I think it's more than okay to wake up some days and just be 'okay.' Not amazing. Not having the best day of your life. Life is just hard sometimes. And people deserve more credit for even getting out of bed sometimes." (149)

And last but not least, a quote that completely applies to my life. So. Much. Yes.

"I've just accepted the fact my life will always be one where I meet people over the Internet and I allow them to change me." (219)
This book is incredible - I gave it five stars on Goodreads - and I even make a small cameo in it right before page 200!

So, are you convinced you need to read it? Yes? Good.

Here's the best part - I'm giving away a copy for one of you to win! I'm so proud to call this woman my friend, I can't help bu share!

How to win:
*Simply leave a comment on this post telling me if you've ever received or left a love letter. If you follow me on Facebook or Twitter that'll get you an extra entry each - just let me know! (You can leave it all in one comment, no need for multiples).

The giveaway will end Friday night (March 20th), at 8 PM (EST), and I'll announce the winner next Monday, March 23rd. The winner will have 24 hours to email me their address and claim the book! Easy peasy, right? So get thee to commenting! 

(Want some more Hannah? Watch this clip from the Meredith Viera show where she gets an awesome surprise, or read this interview from The Huffington Post!)

Mar 9, 2015

34 weeks

How far along: 34 weeks!

How big is baby: In the past two weeks Lemon went from the size of a large jicama, to a pineapple, and is now the size of a cantaloupe. (Again, I think it's more for mass than actually size because he's obviously longer than a cantaloupe by now).

Anxious about: Money, ugh. I'm grateful to have insurance but I hate our high deductible plan, and Ben will be mostly working while I'm home on maternity leave but I only get paid for half the time I'm taking. I'm trying to let go of the worry and focus on the good.

Anticipating: For instance, this week some of my co-workers are throwing me a shower which is so sweet and I think will be lots of fun! Also, we have maternity pictures scheduled for this weekend and I can't wait!

Diet/Cravings/Aversions: Not too much I need to avoid - there are a few things (because they made me so sick) I've stayed away from "just in case," and that includes anything from Chipotle or Qdoba, and Chinese food. I definitely think he's growing because I feel like I eat all the time now!

Movement: So fun! And when I'm exhausted and hormonal this always comforts me. I swear he knows when I'm feeling down because he'll give me a little kick or movement that always makes me smile!

The belly: Definitely starting to impede things. I've had to learn I don't do anything quickly anymore, and while I've gotten better at navigating around things so I'm not bumping into counters and tables with my stomach, reaching things has started to become a problem as well. I mean, I've always been short, but I used to be able to stand on my tip toes and get something that was almost out of reach. Now I have a belly that a) throws me off balance a bit, and b) doesn't let me get as close as I used to while reaching for said item. There have been a lot of phrases used in our house lately like, "babe can you come get this down for me," and "I need help up!" Ha!

Miscellaneous: Well we had another trip to labor and delivery at the hospital. Normally Lemon is the most active at night, but there are definitely times I feel him throughout the day as well. Yesterday I felt him a little bit in the morning but not as much as I normally would. By mid-afternoon I was a little concerned and tried a few tricks to get him to move around; I laid down, drank water, even took a hot shower, and finally decided I should call the doctor just in case. They told me to go in for monitoring to make sure everything was okay. I called Ben at work and told him I was coming to pick him up and we'd just go to the hospital from there. (I also had the foresight to grab a few things and shove them in a suitcase in case we were admitted, but luckily that was not the case).

On the way to the hospital I told Ben I didn't have a bad feeling, but I was worried - something felt off. They got us registered and into triage, and it took the nurse a good five minutes with the monitor to find his heartbeat, which was possibly the longest five minutes of my life. I couldn't see Ben because of how they had me turned, but we were holding hands, and when the nurse finally found it (Lemon was in a weird position), we all let out a sigh of relief. (The nurse even said she was going to wait a few minutes before taking my blood pressure because it was probably elevated after that!)

We were in labor and delivery for a few hours - long story short everything is okay which is great. We got to listen to his heartbeat, they gave me fluids, and even sent me for a sonogram to make sure he's doing everything he needs to be doing (breathing, enough fluid, etc). He was in a really weird position (although they said not to worry about that now, he still has time to move around), and they think me needing fluids was related to me not being able to feel him moving as much. Ben still can't wrap his mind around that - he just kept saying, "but you drink so much water!"

A few small comforts while we were there - we got to see him on the sonogram (we haven't had one since the gender reveal one at 19 weeks), and were told he's already five pounds which is great! Also, the nurses confirmed what I've had a feeling about - that I'll probably go early - I'm already having Braxton Hicks contractions. They also told me they were glad I came in - they said I'll know if something feels off and they'd rather tell me everything looks great than have me not call and there be a problem.

Overall, I'll take another visit that turned out well, but let's keep cooking for a few more weeks there bud, so next time we're in labor and delivery it's when you're actually being born, okay? (See also: getting the hospital bag packed for real, and car seat installed this week).
And because it's fun - a picture from the grocery store a week ago. I was like "babe, it's a family of lemons - get it?!"
Things that made me laugh/cry: I kind of hit a wall at 32 weeks - one day I came home and just cried because I was so exhausted. But I'm counting down the Mondays because that makes it seems faster, and I know the end is in sight.

Best moment of the week: One night last week Lemon was moving so much I was gasping; I told Ben it felt like he was scraping his elbows across the front of my stomach! (And after our visit yesterday it was confirmed that's probably what he was doing based on his position). Ben suggested I sing him his lullaby because until that happens he doesn't know if it's "bedtime" yet. Sure enough I sang it and he settled right down!

Mar 3, 2015

Currently

So it's March! I doubt it will feel like spring anytime soon, but we're getting closer to seasons changing, and I thought it would be fun to start the month off with a little chit chatty post. (Thanks to Lisa for the inspiration).

Reading: I recently finished Wild, and between that and Everything I Never Told You (which I read over a month ago), I'm pretty ambivalent about what I pick up lately. That's the blessing and curse of a good book - it stays with you, but kind of ruins you for a bit as well.

Loving: Sleep. Ohhh, glorious sleep. If I can go four hour stretches without getting up to use the bathroom I feel like a rockstar. Maybe my body is training me for long nights in the next few months?

Thinking: About the infertility community. There are several people who facing hard times right now (anniversaries of losses, final procedures, more testing), and my heart goes out to them. I know those aches, and I want their dreams for them so badly.

Frustrated: That we have to turn the clocks forward this weekend. I'm only a fan of Daylight Savings Time in the fall when we gain an hour of sleep. Losing an hour always takes me a good week to adjust to and is never pretty.

Feeling: All the things. Seriously. One minute I'm frustrated, the next I feel so grateful, and the next I'm slightly terrified about what's next. Ah, hormones.

Anticipating: The DC Walk of Hope! Yes, I know it's not until June 6th, but we are less than 100 days out and I'm so so excited for this year! We have a great group of volunteers and I can't wait to walk as part of Team Rainbow Baby! (I'm already dreaming up what our team shirts will look like).

Watching: The West Wing on Netflix. I watched the latest season of House of Cards this past weekend and am pretty irritated I wasted my time with it, so I am taking solace in a political show that won't thoroughly disappoint me. (No, Frank Underwood is not a good guy, but somehow you end up rooting for him. Yet by the end of the season I no longer cared about any of the characters or story lines).

Sad: That the cold weather will soon be ending. I know, I know, I'm in the minority on this one, but spring is my least favorite season (helloooo allergies), and summer isn't far behind. I burn easily and I hate being hot, so while no, I don't really enjoy 0 degree weather, I do prefer it (and sweaters and blankets), to sunscreen, and sweat, and having to constantly keep my hair up because it's so. effing. hot.

Grateful: For my bed. (See also: loving sleep). I'm so tired at the end of the day I normally come home and just sit in bed while I read or watch Netflix, (even sometimes eating dinner there!) because it's so relaxing. I'm grateful to have a nice warm, comfy bed through all the winter weather we've been having lately!

Listening: To podcasts (Book Riot is still my favorite), as well as the song "I Get to be the One" by JJ Heller. (I seriously listened to it on repeat for my whole commute one morning).

Wishing: For a safe and healthy delivery of Lemonhead. We don't have a set birth plan - we're open to a lot of options and are just going to see how it goes, because I figure rolling with the punches is our best bet. It's easy to get wrapped up in having a certain experience and then if it can't/doesn't happen that way get disappointed; I don't care how he gets here as long as we're both healthy. (Although if I could just snap my fingers and have him appear that would be okay too).

What are you loving, reading, and anticipating? What's currently going on in your world?

Mar 2, 2015

Happy Birthday Baby

Today we celebrate the most incredible man EVER.

A guy who is more caring and considerate than I deserve, who can always find a common ground with new people, who loves with his whole heart, and can make me laugh in any situation.

You're my favorite person. Happy Birthday babe - I love you!

Feb 26, 2015

One Morning, One Mile, One Community

Last year was the first year I participated in Resolve's DC Walk of Hope. Ben and I were still very much mourning the loss of Cece, and didn't really know what to expect.

It was incredible.

To be surrounded by people who were going through the same thing we were, or had been there, or were simply there supporting their loved ones with infertility - I truly felt hopeful.

I saw people with shirts saying "I kicked infertility's ass," as they pushed a baby in a stroller. I saw women wearing shirts saying "I'm walking for him," with an arrow pointing to their pregnant belly. I saw couples smiling, and a few crying, and the sense of community was beyond what I could have ever imagined.

The DC Walk of Hope is Saturday, June 6th this year and I cannot wait. 

This year I'm not just volunteering and participating, I'm co-chairing it, and my fabulous co-chair Ashley and I wrote letters about Why We Walk. (Check that out here).

This year is going to be so much different than last for Ben and me. Lemon will be with us, and while I know Cece will be on our minds and hearts that morning, I also cannot wait to introduce Lemon to "his people." This community is how Lemon is here because this community is what gave me hope. Last year at the Walk I remember thinking, "maybe that will be us someday," when I'd see a couple with a child.
Without Resolve I wouldn't have found support groups, and Advocacy Day, and made connections with some of the sweetest women I know. They get it. They've been there; the shots, the exams, the losses, and even pregnancy after infertility which can be wonderful but anxiety-filled.

Last year, we were Team Cece. This year we are Team Rainbow Baby. A rainbow baby is a term used for a child after a miscarriage - and it makes my heart soar to think of strapping Lemon to mine or Ben's chest and walking the mile course with him this year.

Last year we set our goal to raise $500 and we surpassed it and raised $750! This year I'm upping the ante - our goal is to raise $1,000. After all the work and love and support Resolve has given us, I feel like it's the least we can do for them - I'm determined to get there!

Will you be around on June 6th? We would love for you to come walk with us! It's only a mile and it's free to register! Also, if you can, we would be so grateful for a donation. Every little bit helps, and while we are 100 days out it's going to be here in a flash!

The DC Walk of Hope is one morning, one mile, one community. Join us, won't you?


(You can donate to Team Rainbow baby here!)

Feb 23, 2015

32 weeks

How far along: 32 weeks!

How big is baby: Lemon is now the size of a large jicama (um, weird), but he probably weighs about 3 and 3/4 pounds and is over 16 inches long.

Anxious about: This and that here and there; my anxiety has slowly been getting better! For Lent instead of giving something up, every time I start to get anxious about this pregnancy I say a prayer for Lemon, and for someone else - a lot of times someone I know, but sometimes not - I figure this is a comfort for me and a good way to get out of my head during this season.

Diet/Cravings/Aversions: So far so good on the aversions - sometimes there are things I'll have that give me some acid reflux in my throat, but (knocks wood), nothing that's made me sick as of late! Definitely still on the fruits and veggies kick - usually I've had at least three servings of fruits and vegetables by mid-morning!

Movement: Oh my gosh it's simply the best! There was a night this week where Lemon was especially active right as I was falling asleep - he was moving and kicking so hard it woke me up and I instinctively said, "buddy, what are you doing in there?" I later told Ben I think he took a page out of Madonna's book and was vogue-ing because seriously he was all over the place!

The belly: Woah belly! Let's do a little comparison shall we? I'm wearing the same outfit in both of these but the left is 22 weeks and the right is 32 weeks! (Also, no idea why the left picture is blurry. Ah, cell phones).

Miscellaneous: We've taken a birth class which was pretty useful and helped clear a few things up for us. However, there was a part during the class when we were watching a video (it was someone talking, nothing traumatic), and Ben looked over at me and whispered, "are you okay?" I must have had a deer-in-the-headlights look because I whispered back, "I don't like any of my options. He's just going to have to come out a different way." Ha!

Also, I have two more bi-weekly doctors' appointments and then I start going weekly - talk about really being in the home stretch! At my appointment this morning the doctor kept telling me how my weight gain was great, and that I looked fantastic - definitely a great way to start out my week!

Things that made me laugh/cry: The baby shower that was thrown for me last Sunday was simply wonderful, and yesterday some of my nearest and dearest blogging turned in-real-life friends had a virtual baby shower for me as well! People got on and off a big Google hangout as they could, there was lots of laughter and lots of baby talk! (By that I mean talk about babies, not actual baby talk). It just warms my heart to see how much Lemon is already loved!
This = awesome.
Best moment of the week: I think all the crazy movement takes the cake. The other night Ben and I were in bed and I was laughing because it felt like Lemon was pushing on the front of my stomach; Ben pushed back and for a few minutes he and Lemon went back and forth - it was bizarre but so sweet! (Um, that is until I told Ben to stop because it was making me have to pee!)

Feb 17, 2015

Tidbits for Tuesday

Because my brain seriously does not function at the level it used to - how about a few bullets for your Tuesday morning?

*I had a baby shower on Sunday. I'm sorry, let me clarify. There was a baby shower thrown for me this past Sunday. Celebrating Ben, and me, and Lemon and holy wow I never thought we'd get here.
The shower date was still written in pencil in my planner; when the date was originally chosen I remember thinking "well, if something happens I can just erase it." Talk about being grateful for where you are. I'm seriously blown away by all the love and support, and it makes me even more eager to meet this little boy in about nine weeks!
*Weather, weather, weather. We have our first substantial snowfall of the season (and year) here, and it's gorgeous. I don't really get snow days (I still work from home those days), but it's so pretty to see the snow so I'll take it! Also? I've reached my limit with people complaining (mostly on social media) about how it's cold and they want snow, and then complaining when they get snow, and then complaining when they get a snow day. What?? Zip it, people. (With the exception of the poor residents of Boston - feel free to complain all you want, guys).

*We are more than halfway through February and I couldn't be happier about it. Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against this month, but I'd like it to be a lot closer to April (aka my due date), like...now!

*Speaking of April, Ben and I are having a good time laughing at my belly every few days. It's growing and it's a little out of control but every time we marvel at the size I say, "it's just going to get bigger!" This week Lemon is the size of a coconut, but by the end he's going to be the size of a watermelon! Um...

How was your weekend? Are you enjoying a snow day today?

Happy Tuesday!

Feb 9, 2015

30 weeks

How far along: 30 weeks - getting into the home stretch!

How big is baby: In the past two weeks Lemon has gone from the size of a large eggplant, to a butternut squash, and is now the size of a large cabbage.

Anxious about: This isn't so much anxiety, but I am having some serious baby envy. Don't get me wrong, I want Lemon to be full-term and completely healthy but oh my gosh I'm so ready for it to be time for us to have him! The logical part of my brain knows not to wish this time away (because um, money and sleep deprivation, and enjoy the last few weeks of just the two of you), but my heart is like "let's go, let's go, let's go!" It's taken us almost five years to get here and I'm afraid these last two months are going to draaaag.

I'm trying to revel in the little moments until then: knowing I have a doctor's appointment every two weeks (and then weekly, closer to the end), which means we can hear his heartbeat way more often, our birth class, and a few showers that are coming up. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time because I know it will go faster than I think.

Diet/Cravings/Aversions: Not too much that I have to avoid, and still on the craving fruits and veggie train. Oh, and we've had french toast as breakfast for dinner a few times lately and mmm, so good!

Movement: By far my favorite part of pregnancy. He's getting more active throughout the day, and usually there's at least once or twice a day where the movement makes me laugh and say, "what are you doing in there buddy?" I'm interested to see if I can recognize any movements he does when he's here to see if they match any of the craziness I feel now.

The belly: Growing! I am definitely moving slower than I used to, and when I get out of bed or up off a low chair there is usually some grunting involved!

Miscellaneous: Honestly, it's been a rough couple of weeks. Thinking back there have been more hard moments than not, (with a quick trip to the hospital thrown in for good measure), and I think the back and forth is what exhausts me so easily; one night I'll feel incredibly rested and the next it's like I didn't sleep at all, or one day I'll have a lot of energy and the next it's hard getting out of bed. But I'm in the "30s" now and there is light at the end of the tunnel. I can do this!

Things that made me cry/laugh: I am constantly amazed at how incredible my husband is - this pregnancy has definitely brought us closer, and as much as I feel like I'm already making sacrifices for our son, Ben has matched me step for step. Every time I wake up during the night to go to the bathroom he'll say "you okay babe?" or "do you need help?" (A lot of times he will give me a supportive hand to help get me out of bed!) I'll wake him up because one of my hips hurts and he'll massage it until it feels better - even if it's 3 AM and he's only been asleep for a couple of hours.

When I call Ben in tears saying, "oh my gosh I can't be pregnant for another 10 weeks, I'm exhausted how can I do this," he talks me down, and reminds me of how far I've come and how proud he is of me.

We had a dusting of snow one morning and Ben left before I did; when I went outside to my car he'd already cleaned it off for me (and put gas in it the night before). It was so considerate I almost cried. I'm so so grateful for this man.

Best moment of the week: Surprisingly, I think it was our visit to labor and delivery. I'm sure I wouldn't be saying this if it had been more of a scare, but I'm grateful we got to see what it would be like when we deliver - from the nurses (amazing), to what kinds of procedures to expect (blood pressure monitoring, blood draws, etc.) and especially to what I'm now referring to as "the kick seen 'round the world," it ended up being a really reassuring visit and I'll take it!