Mar 3, 2010

I'm running on empty

It's been a helluva week and it's only Wednesday. Despite celebrating the mister yesterday (a good time was had by all!), the first two days of this week were quite possibly the most stressed out I've ever been. It's a combination of so many things I don't even know where to start.

I'm just tired. Tired in the physical and figurative sense. I'm not getting enough sleep at night which is not helping in any way, but the mister not having a job is really starting to get to me. It's not his fault (I want to make it clear I'm not blaming him in any way), but it's just so...disheartening. He has been applying for at least two to three jobs a week for over three months, and while he's had a few leads and interviews none of it has panned out.

I feel like a bad wife even talking about how I'm doing, because I know it's ten times harder on him. We've been doing a pretty good job of uplifting each other - one of us being strong when the other one's down, and vice versa. But we're both so frustrated at this point. We were making ends meet when we had two incomes, but having one and a quarter (unemployment - better than nothing!), is ridiculous for the area we live in. (Northern Virgina = unnecessarily expensive).

I'm tired of worrying if we put too much gas in our cars we won't have enough for groceries. I'm tired of stressing about not being able to order prescriptions because a chunk of money that size just isn't do-able right now (we have mail order - we have to get medicine three months at a time). I'm tired of having people tell me they understand when they have no idea how desperate we sometimes feel. I can go from happy, laughing, and joking about something to stressed about the state of our finances in three seconds flat. But we can't do anything more than we're doing. I feel so helpless.

The weirdest part though? I can vent on this blog, but I absolutely do not want to talk about it "in real life." It sucks, it blows, but what's talking about it going to do? Maybe that's the problem. I've never been one to shy away from a hard conversation. (If anything I've been accused of being a little too in your face!) I'm not talking about it and that's why I've been on the verge of tears every day this week. (I'm blaming PMS but you can only stretch that so far).

In the grand scheme of things I know this is not the end of the world. There are people going through much worse right now. The mister and I are surviving. We're growing closer. We still crack up over silly things. But underneath it, oh underneath it there's a layer of strength that gets a little bit thinner every day.

I'm not really sure how to end this post - I'm not looking for sympathy, so (as always) don't feel like you have to comment.

Oh, and a HUGE shout out to Eyegirl for her patience, and knowledge, and for helping me get that little line back under this post. (Yeah, did you notice? That one that indicates comments? Go ahead and click it!) The blog will slowly be going through a little face-lift. Thanks for bearing with me.


(Photo: Oh! How Lovely!)

8 comments:

Lisa from Lisa's Yarns said...

Oh dear. Hugs to you & the mister. I am glad you shared how you are feeling. Sometimes just saying how crappy things are feels better. It's kind of exhausting to put on that stiff upper lip and pretend that everything is just a ok.

What you are going through sucks. I am hoping & praying that he finds a job soon. I know it is so hard on you, and also on him as well.

Keep your chin up. Hopefully bright sunny skies are ahead of you.

And yea for figuring out the comments! :)

Shaina said...

Hang in there, B! I know how difficult the unemployment situation is ... my husband was unemployed for a year before he started grad school, and it sucked. He was so miserable - he loves to work and feel useful and it was really hard on him. :( Just try to hang in there and get through it - something will turn up, eventually (in our case, it unfortunately was a deployment and the Army who forced him to come back!). xxoo

Autumn Twig said...

maybe i don't quite understand exactly how you feel but i do know that things always get better after a while. meanwhile here's looking up to the things that you do have the power to change. Looking forward the blog's face lift

*hugs*

hannahkaty.com said...

I will be putting you in my thoughts and prayers lady! Stay strong and keep your head up, most importantly, know that is completely normal to be tired and feel drained. We all go through it. Just know how awesome you are!

Love the new layout as well.

Best,

Hannah Katy

Amber (Girl with the red hair) said...

I know just how you feel, love. When Eric first moved to Kamloops in October 2008 he could not find a job either and was unemployed for three months.

It took SUCH a terrible toll on our relationship. He went into a bit of a depressive state, because really, sitting at home all day IS depressing when you do it for three months. And we were both stressed about money and job applications and it was just a terrible time for us.

Honestly, as much as I hate being long-distance, it's better for us then his time of unemployment was because at least we are both busy and happy!

I really hope the Mister finds something soon. I will keep my fingers crossed. XO

Kyria said...

Wow, what you (and commentators) are saying really is making me think. My "Mr" wants to move to take a new job and I am afraid of what you are talking about happening to ME. I would go crazy sitting at home and would drive him crazy as well. You are very brave and strong to be able to go through such a hard time. It is stressful. That you are coping is amazing.

Ellen said...

Oh girl, you are preaching to the choir! NO ONE understands your situation better than me. Nothing stays the same forever...this too shall pass...everything happens for a reason. Yes, I believe in all three of those cliches. You kind of have to. Venting always helps and the blog is a good place to do it. I recently did it on mine:

http://firednfabulous.blogspot.com/2010/02/theres-no-crying-in-baseball.html

Nicole said...

Oh girl, I wish I could give you a big hug. I do not understand completely what you are going through. But I do have a similar situation with the boyfriend who has yet to find a full-time job after graduating almost 10 months ago. And with me being in school, money is tight to say the least. I wish you the best of luck.

At least you have this blog and your wonderful friends to keep you going. And your comment line is there!! Yippie!

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