Jan 7, 2011

Again

Warning: This post was written when I was in a really bad place. I thought about not posting it, because I did feel better after just writing it. However, this is my outlet, and I figured some of my coming posts may not be cheery in the next few days or so - and you all should at least know why I'm feeling this way.

We found out this week Ben is being let go from this job. (Essentially it comes down to the economy sucks). The day we found out, I screamed in frustration in our apartment, scrubbed dishes so hard I tore a sponge, and ended up sobbing on the kitchen floor. The next day found me being proactive and suggesting places for him to apply (which he has - no time to lose!), and today, well, today found me...empty.

Drained. Devoid of feelings about the situation itself, but bursting at the seams with love and frustration on behalf of my husband. My husband. This incredible man who has been working jobs since we got married to provide, while not being able to pursue his dream of drawing full time. He's worth so much and I'm furious that people don't/can't/won't see that. Is it too much to expect someone to fight for him? Because I sure as hell will.

I can't focus on anything except what he's going through, how we're going to handle this again, and wondering how we're going to survive on my salary (and maybe something from unemployment, who knows). Last time we toasted to new challenges. Then watched for five months while doors were slammed in our faces time and time again. We were positive. We didn't know what to expect. Knowing that now, I'm not sure I have the energy for it again. But...what choice do I have?

Thank goodness we decided not to move. But how are we ever going to when this keeps happening? Come August we'll have lived in this apartment for four years. In that time the mister has held four jobs. (Some he changed voluntarily, others, not so much).

During that time we've treaded water. We start to swim, then a wave comes along and threatens to drown us, causing us to flail, gasping just to breath, and leaving us wondering, "what's the point?"

Are we supposed to be waiting to be rescued? Should we be looking for a lifeline in any form? And at what point does it get to be too much and we can't paddle anymore?

I don't begrudge anyone happiness. But I see couples our age or younger than us, with stable jobs, following their dreams, having kids, and I wonder why that can't be us. What are we doing wrong?

15 comments:

Britt said...

Sending hugs. My husband and I went through his layoff this year and while it was only one layoff, not several, it was horrible and emotionally draining. Just keep swimming. (like Dori in finding Nemo!)

Katie said...

I totally understand how you are feeling...My husband has been unemployed for a couple of years! We have made it though and you will be OK...We are living on one salary and are just making it, but we are making it and you will too!!

Keep your head up! Things will be just fine!

Breathe Gently said...

That is so frustrating, for BOTH of you. I hope this means that better things are around the corner - but that doesn't make it any easier right now. Thinking of you - and vent away!

Stevie said...

Becky, I'm SO SO sorry to hear this. Andy and I have been going through the same thing for the past two years. His job is totally stable while I've been laid off multiple times. It's scary and it totally sucks. But you are NOT doing anything wrong. I know it's hard to avoid asking that question, I've asked myself that same question countless times, but it won't get us anywhere. It may not be fair and it may not make sense and sometimes it just downright sucks, but you WILL get through this. You are such a strong woman, and I know Ben is strong, too. Together you're even stronger. So keep fighting for each other as hard as you can. It's going to be a tough road, but you have so much support and love around you. You can e-mail me anytime, or even call me to scream in frustration!!!

Jess said...

If anyone knows how you feel, I do. I have been there. SO many times. I have asked myself over and over what we're doing wrong. I've wondered where we missed the boat, what trick we didn't learn. I'd see friends and their cars and houses and blah blah blah.

I know how it feels.

I also know that nothing lasts forever, that change happens every day, and that having The Person by your side is way better than having Some Stuff. (Although I'm still yearning for a new couch...I'm shallow like that).

You need to talk, I'm here. Because when it comes to money and jobs and broke-assery? I am an EXPERT. Hugs, girlie. Many hugs.

Darcie said...

I'm sorry babe. I don't know what it's like... I've feared it because I've been close to losing my job several times, but I know it's not the same. I've watched you two struggle through this time and again and it may not be much, but I am so proud of how you both have kept going and that it has brought you that much closer to each other. Hang in there!

lucythevaliant said...

Ok, I am sending you the biggest Internet hug EVER. Also a cookie. And a gajillion positive thoughts for the future! You guys are an AMAZING team, and you're both going to kick some serious ass together, I just know it!! And I'm so sorry it sucks right now!!! Hug, cookie, etc.!

Angela Knoll said...

Oh No! I am so sorry Becky. You both deserve so much more!! Why isn't life easier?! We have been spoon fed a lie that if we work hard, study, and get a college education that it will be smooth sailing, the doors of opportunity will fly open. Our generation is experiencing something in relationship to work that our parents never did. There is no solution, but I can only suggest that we have to change our generation's perspective on what success looks like. Let's face it, none of us will retire from the job we started when we were 22 and a big house doesn't measure anything but a HUGE mortgage. You are not alone and you have a ton of support Becky. HUGS!

Charbelle said...

I'm so sorry :( I remember the posts and how hard y'all worked to make it. It's so stressful and so unfair. Lots of hugs!!!

Brittany said...

My heart sank reading this...sending along a huge hug right now. You aren't doing anything wrong, and I hope that this doesn't stop you from dreaming your dreams. You and Ben will get through this.

jen said...

i am so sorry to hear this and i am sure you don't want to hear the "everything happens for a reason" statement. so i will just say that having been in the same position things will work out. you both are very strong, talented and young. this is just another little hurdle but the other side of it will be bright...

Natasha said...

I had this problem when I was with my husband. He could only get dead-end jobs and nobody would hire me at all. I didn't know how to deal with all of it because I had never lived anywhere outside of home, so I did a lot of screaming and crying. My unemployment's ended now and I've been getting a little panicky, but I know that things will be alright.

Here's a hug and here's something that I hope will comfort you. The two of you will be alright. Your husband is too talented to not be hired at a better job this time. Otherwise, he can go back to school and pursue drawing if that's what the two of you want.

I'm going to be hoping good wishes for you and your husband and I'm going to keep wishing and praying for you two until something good happens. But, everything will be alright.

Suburban Sweetheart said...

Oh, I'm so sorry. I can't & won't claim to know how you feel or what you're going through or what you WILL go through, but I'm pulling for you guys. I believe very much that the spots at the bottom of the totem pole, the ones where you're carrying all the weight on your shoulders with your own face smashed into the ground, are worth just as much as the times you're on top, without a care in the world. It can be so difficult to see them as learning experiences when you wake up devastated & go to bed devastated & in between struggle to get by - that feeling, I DO know. But when things have evened out, when things are much better, you'll look back on the rough times & be so thankful for the growth they allowed you & the beauty they ultimately brought you. I'm pulling for you guys that the time on top comes sooner rather than later.

Amber (Girl with the red hair) said...

I'm so sorry. You and Ben are good people and don't deserve this.

Just try to remember it will all work out in the end. I know that's hard to believe right now, but I promise it will happen. Thinking of you and sending good thoughts towards Ben's job search. XO

Lisa from Lisa's Yarns said...

I am glad you blogged about this - I hope it was therapeutic for you guys! I am sending you many hugs through the interwebs. I hate to see great people go through such tough times.

And I can relate to how you feel in that last paragraph in terms of my success in the dating dept. I watch friends get married and have babies and I think - will it ever be my turn? Eventually, things have GOT to get easier for you guys!

Hang in there! Love you!

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