Feb 1, 2011

Overwhelmed

I can't tell you how many times in the past twenty-four hours people have told me to be sure and let myself be okay with whatever I'm feeling. That it's okay to grieve in different ways.

I don't know what I'm feeling. I know I'm sad, but I'm not visibly upset. I know I'm angry this happened. When people ask how I'm doing I tell them I don't want to talk about it. I know I want to cry it out. But I can't. And I don't know why.

I have a lot going on this week - and I think my mind is afraid to let my heart accept this, because when it does, it's not going to be pretty. I want to grieve - but I feel like I can't yet, and I don't know why.

I've never experienced this before when I've dealt with death. I've been immediately sad and started dealing. This seems like the exact opposite - knowing I need to cope but my body not letting me.

Tonight I was going all day at work and then for another few hours when I got home. When Ben asked me what I wanted to do for dinner I wanted to cry. I told him I couldn't even think - everything was too loud, too much, I couldn't process. I then curled up under a blanket on the couch, thinking I was going to start crying and being sad, but the tears never came.

I feel numb.

(Photo: Design Crush)

9 comments:

Jess said...

That's actually pretty normal. I've been there, and you will eventually feel. Promise you won't be numb forever.

Hugs and love. Much love.

Darcie said...

When I saw this on twitter at first, I was like what else happened?! But you're dealing and even though you think you aren't, you are by talking about it-even if it's writing about it. I wouldn't force it, your mind is a powerful thing and it knows how much you can take and how much you can't. Let it do it's thing and you will start to heal.

Suburban Sweetheart said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your uncle's death. But everyone else is right: Feel however you feel, even if you don't know how you feel. Death is not an easy thing. If it's easy, something's probably wrong with you. Take the emotions as they come, one by one, & don't try to anticipate what will come next. Go easy on yourself. <3

Amber (Girl with the red hair) said...

Love you. Thinking of you. Let your body/mind do what it wants even if it doesn't feel right. XO

Lisa from Lisa's Yarns said...

I have experienced this before as well. The tears willl come eventually... It's like your body knows you have so much going on, it's not letting you have the release of crying/etc.

Thinking of you! Love you!

Jen said...

I am so so so sorry!! We are here for you! Please, keep us posted.

I hope your Wednesday goes well sweetie!! xo

Nora said...

Ah, the numb feeling.
It will pass.
I've had that before too; when my grandfather passed away I felt number for days, barely shed a tear at his funeral and then a few weeks later (and still even times now) I cry and grieve for him.

Love you, my dear.

Mandy said...

Eventually your heart will let your mind and body deal/process what's happened. The heart has a way of knowing how much we can handle and when we can handle it. There is no timeline for these things. Love you.

Lucy The Valiant said...

Love you!!!

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