Feb 7, 2012

My soft diagnosis

It's been a little while since I talked about my PCOS diagnosis, so I thought I'd give you all a little update.

My blood work is normal (and trust me, they've tested for everything under the sun), I have cysts on my ovaries (I saw them with my own eyes), but otherwise I'm not exhibiting a lot of the physical symptoms. This is of course good news, but it's also what my doctor has determined a "soft" diagnosis.

Nine times out of ten this soft diagnosis doesn't affect me day-to-day. I'm trying to eat healthier, exercise more, get more sleep...all of which will help. Ben and I love each other, make each other laugh, and have plenty of things planned this year we're looking forward to. (Including a milestone birthday of his that's fast approaching - more on that later!)

But there are days when it feels like I'm straddling a ledge, wondering which side of rock is going to give out first.

I wait for the doctor to call and say my blood work is no longer stable and yes, I do have to take medicine. I get frustrated at the end of weeks when I've rocked portion sizes but I'm not seeing numbers on the scales go down. And then there are days where I wonder. Is this really how I'm going to feel for the rest of my life? Could I be doing anything else? Or the kicker...will I ever be pregnant?

I love how supportive people have been. I love that they've been encouraging and helpful, and I can't even count the number of people who have told me, "I know a woman with PCOS and she's a mom with three kids!" But I also have to be realistic. Ben and I have talked about this, and while it's still a little ways off, we have to acknowledge that pregnancy may not be in the cards for us.

Just writing that sentence breaks my heart a little bit. I've always joked about how I'll be the stereotypical pregnant woman with swollen ankles, mood swings, and an appetite that could rival that of a sumo wrestler. As crazy as that sounds I always said those things with a delight in the back of my brain that I'd get to experience them - going through the battle of pregnancy with the reward of motherhood.

That might not be the case. And I know this situation could be a lot worse, and I know we aren't crossing that bridge yet, but (without getting into specifics), we're closer than you'd think. There are reasons Ben and I are talking about options, because it's starting to look like we might need a few. We're on the same page about so much, and I cannot express how grateful I am for that. It's being re-affirmed to me almost daily how right we are for each other.

Ninety-nine percent of the time I'm positive, and okay with the holding pattern that seems to be our life right now - we have so much to be thankful for, and tons of fabulous things on our plates to the point where they sometimes appear overflowing in the very best way possible. I love talking to our niece and trying to decipher her two-and-a-half year old jibberish. I love getting voice mails from our nephew that are sweet and hilarious all at once. I have friends and family who are expecting, and my heart is simply bursting with joy for them.

But every so often I start to wonder if Ben and I will have the chance to experience some of these joys, and where this "soft" diagnosis is going to ultimately take us.

19 comments:

Kelly (She Wears a Red Sox Cap) said...

This is a great, truly honest post. I'm so happy that you have so much support, most importantly from Ben who is obviously affected by this too. I hope that you don't end up needing to go to other options, but if you do- I'm glad you are at least talking about and on the same page.

Lucy The Valiant said...

You are brave and strong and beautiful and amazing, and I have no doubt that you will get EXACTLY what you want in life. I'm going to give you a big internet hug, okay? Okay! HUG!

Jess @ DudeandSweets said...

Many hugs my friend.

My sister has severe pcos, and I've seen how tough it can be. So I'm here if you need to yell about it.

Sarah said...

Becky, I wish I had wise words. I can only imagine how you feel. While I don't have all the answers, I am here for you. Sending love and hugs your way!

Annie said...

You are so brave. Thank you for sharing so much on your blog. We love you and support you & Ben. Know that I think of you so often. xo

amberlee @ Life with a Dream said...

I know where you are coming from.. I too have PCOS, and the SAME things go thru my mind, everyday... everyday its a struggle.. but with work everyday can get better. It's not easy for women like us... many people don't understand, but I know the heartbreak when a doctor tells you "you'll probably never have kids" Well BULL... in the beginning it's all you think.. but in time your will to have something so meaningful changes... it will happen. In time. Some of us just have to work harder for it. I'd love to chat! I've yet to meet someone else with PCOS. =)

erin said...

Well, you have us here to support you. I think its normal and good to be feeling and thinking all these thoughts. Just get them out, and share them with the people who care about you. Don't keep the thoughts in!
I'm sending you my positive thoughts.

Nora said...

Thank you for being so open and honest, Becky. You (and Ben!) are such strong, beautiful people and reading this both breaks my heart a little bit but also reminds me that you two can and will get through anything, no matter the cards you are dealt and what comes of the soft diagnosis. Thinking many thoughts and prayers for you both. Here for you always. xo.

Allison Blass said...

Up until just a few years ago, people told women with diabetes not to have children, but things have changed. So maybe things will change in the world of PCOS that make it easier to have a baby. I don't know anyone else with PCOS, so I can't say much about it, but I'm wishing you the best for you & your family! :)

Lauren Margaret said...

Oh Becky, I sure do feel for you. It's awesome that you and Ben have been able to talk about all of this and that you're relying on each other. Even throughout the doubt and wavering, please try to hold onto that 99% positivity you've got going on. And remember, as always, that there are an awful lot of us out here who care about you! I'll be praying for the best possible outcome for you.

And on another note, I'm so glad you wrote this. I'm dealing with a medical issue now, too and I just realized how important it is to let it all out. Thank you.

Kyla Roma said...

Oh Becky, this is such a hard thing to be going through- especially with it being so open ended. I'm so glad that it's confirmed so much great things about your relationship with Ben, and that you're trying to stay positive without denying yourself from feeling everything you need to about this situation. You're a strong & beautiful lady, and I'm keeping your dreams for children in my heart & mind with the hopes that it helps them find their way to you <333

Amber (Girl with the red hair) said...

Aw this post is so wonderful and honest. I love you redheaded brain twin and I love our super honest chats about anything and everything. You and Ben are perfect for each other and one day you will look back on all of this and think that it all worked out just the way it was supposed to, of that I'm sure :) XO

Amber @ A little pink in the cornfields said...

I love how honest and raw you are. I was wondering about this, but I knew that you would write about it on your own time. You are such an incredible person and have this light around you. You just make everyone feel so wonderful. Things WILL work out and you and Ben will figure this out one day at a time. This is just a "soft" diagnosis and nowhere near final, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers, always!

erin - mutterings of eringirl said...

Thinking of you and wishing you the best!

Fiona said...

Thank you for being so open and honest Becky - it's a real honour to be able to read this post of yours. I really wish you all the best in the coming months as you see how your body reacts to the medicine. And I hope yours & Bens relationship continues to strengthen - he seems like a superstar.

Em said...

I love you. You are so brave and for that, I love you more. Keep waiting well my sweet.

Lisa from Lisa's Yarns said...

What a wonderful post. My heart hurts for you as I think it's tough to have uncertainty about somethign that is so important to you. I am glad that you have the very best partner to support you through all of this. I am thinking of you guys and praying for you. Love you, my dear!

Caiti said...

I've never commented before, but I wanted to thank you for writing this post. I also have PCOS, and I'm also in the same position of wondering how this will affect my husband's and my chances of having children naturally. I've been keeping my diagnosis very quiet (only my husband and my mom know), but it's weighing on me. It has made for some uncomfortable feelings when we get those inevitable questions about when we're having kids, or the not-so-subtle "I want to be a grandma" comments from my mother-in-law. I really admire you for sharing this, and seeing the support you've received by opening up has made me think about how it might do me some good to share with the people in my life. Thank you :)

ThePhantomMoon said...

As someone else who has PCOS, I can imagine how you feel. I also have endometriosis on top of that (my double whammy as I like to call it) which my doctors told me would make it nearly impossible for me to have children. Almost 5 years later I became pregnant with my daughter and I still consider her my miracle baby. Trust yourself, trust your body, trust your spouse and trust God. There are so many strides in medicine that can help people with similar conditions and I pray that everything works out for you. It's difficult but with enough support you can get through this no matter the outcome. Thank you for sharing!!

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