It's been a little while since I talked about my PCOS diagnosis, so I thought I'd give you all a little update.
My blood work is normal (and trust me, they've tested for everything under the sun), I have cysts on my ovaries (I saw them with my own eyes), but otherwise I'm not exhibiting a lot of the physical symptoms. This is of course good news, but it's also what my doctor has determined a "soft" diagnosis.
Nine times out of ten this soft diagnosis doesn't affect me day-to-day. I'm trying to eat healthier, exercise more, get more sleep...all of which will help. Ben and I love each other, make each other laugh, and have plenty of things planned this year we're looking forward to. (Including a milestone birthday of his that's fast approaching - more on that later!)
But there are days when it feels like I'm straddling a ledge, wondering which side of rock is going to give out first.
I wait for the doctor to call and say my blood work is no longer stable and yes, I do have to take medicine. I get frustrated at the end of weeks when I've rocked portion sizes but I'm not seeing numbers on the scales go down. And then there are days where I wonder. Is this really how I'm going to feel for the rest of my life? Could I be doing anything else? Or the kicker...will I ever be pregnant?
I love how supportive people have been. I love that they've been encouraging and helpful, and I can't even count the number of people who have told me, "I know a woman with PCOS and she's a mom with three kids!" But I also have to be realistic. Ben and I have talked about this, and while it's still a little ways off, we have to acknowledge that pregnancy may not be in the cards for us.
Just writing that sentence breaks my heart a little bit. I've always joked about how I'll be the stereotypical pregnant woman with swollen ankles, mood swings, and an appetite that could rival that of a sumo wrestler. As crazy as that sounds I always said those things with a delight in the back of my brain that I'd get to experience them - going through the battle of pregnancy with the reward of motherhood.
That might not be the case. And I know this situation could be a lot worse, and I know we aren't crossing that bridge yet, but (without getting into specifics), we're closer than you'd think. There are reasons Ben and I are talking about options, because it's starting to look like we might need a few. We're on the same page about so much, and I cannot express how grateful I am for that. It's being re-affirmed to me almost daily how right we are for each other.
Ninety-nine percent of the time I'm positive, and okay with the holding pattern that seems to be our life right now - we have so much to be thankful for, and tons of fabulous things on our plates to the point where they sometimes appear overflowing in the very best way possible. I love talking to our niece and trying to decipher her two-and-a-half year old jibberish. I love getting voice mails from our nephew that are sweet and hilarious all at once. I have friends and family who are expecting, and my heart is simply bursting with joy for them.
But every so often I start to wonder if Ben and I will have the chance to experience some of these joys, and where this "soft" diagnosis is going to ultimately take us.