Apr 2, 2012

I thought it would get easier

I knew when I was diagnosed with PCOS that there would be some hard days ahead, but I kept thinking, at least I have a diagnosis (even if it is soft), and at least I know why.

Turns out, just because you know the cause, doesn't mean things hurt any less.

I've been pretty open about my diagnosis and how I'm adjusting - that's who I am. I don't like keeping secrets, and I'm an advocate of full disclosure. I'm trying my hardest not to let this define me. But it is a struggle - physically and emotionally.

Physically, I have weight I can't lose and breakouts that won't go away. But emotionally? Emotionally I'm in an ocean with no flotation device, and some days it's all I can do to keep my head above water.

We want to have kids.

I want to discuss diapers, and be exhausted from 2 AM feedings, and know the joy of our child smiling at me for the first time. I want to teach them to read and use their imagination - to console them when they've had a bad day at school, and understand that sometimes being alone in your room with music blaring is just what the doctor ordered. I want to take pictures before school dances, and fight back tears at graduations. I want them to express themselves when they disagree with me, because they know I'm in it for the long haul.

But it's not happening. And most of the time I'm okay with that. Ben has a saying - "we'll have a child when we're meant to." It helps me keep things in perspective, knowing there's a plan and a whole world of bigger problems out there that we've been fortunate enough not to have dealt with.

But it is a struggle sometimes. People know we're struggling, but they still ask questions or make comments that hurt my heart, even if they have good intentions.

When I share something I'm excited about the first assumption is that I'm pregnant. Every time I don't feel well, I get questions about morning sickness and pregnancy.

And every time I hear one of those assumptions, my heart breaks a little bit.

I think of all the sticks that have said negative, and all the symptoms I've read into, hoping it meant something. I think about how I no longer trust my instincts because there have been so many times when I've just known something was different...only to realize it wasn't. I think about how it's almost laughable because I haven't been on the pill in almost two years. I think of how good Ben is with kids and how nervous he gets when holding a newborn. I think of how I'm simultaneously ecstatic for everyone in my life who is expecting, while terrified I won't ever know that feeling.

I think of how far I've come with accepting that, and how that gets reversed every time someone asks me one of those questions. And I wonder how I can not let this define me. 

It's crazy to love someone so much that you want there to be another person in the world just like them.

I read this quote the other day and started crying. That is exactly it. I have so much love for Ben that my heart sometimes can't take it - it needs to be shared.

That may happen, it may not. Most of the time I can push that feeling into a corner of my brain and not worry about it. I can handle it. I can cope.

Until I get another question.


Mandy said...

My heart is breaking for you friend. I know how much you and Ben want kids and I want nothing more than that for you. Sending you huge hugs from GA.

Katie said...

It is very brave and selfless for you to share your struggle and journey. It's not something people talk about.....thank you for being willing to share to help other people! Lots of love and prayers for the Shaws!

Annie said...

Love you. I sent you an email.

Lauren said...

Oh Becky. I hope our conversation the other day wasn't too pressing. I pray for you every day, and I'm so happy for you that Ben is your partner through this. Thinking of you always!

Lisa from Lisa's Yarns said...

Sending hugs. It is so brave of you to talk about this - and I am proud of you for sharing. I am always here to listen! I know our situations are very different, but we both share that feeling of wanting some else so badly and not being sure if we will ever get it...

I will keep you guys in my thoughts. You will make amazing parents some day and i hope you get to experience all these amazing things you are imagining in your mind... And I know every parent appreciates their child, but you guys will REALLY appreciate this baby when he/she comes into your life (however that happens). I want this so badly for you guys...

Stephany said...

Thank you for your honesty. You and Ben have an amazing relationship but I know how badly you must want a family of your own. <3 This post was heartbreaking. Know you two are in my prayers.

Amber said...

You are so brave for sharing these struggles. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through right now but I just have this feeling it will all work out for you two, even if it's in a way you're not expecting. Love you! XO

Kelly (She Wears a Red Sox Cap) said...

I can only imagine how difficult this is for you guys and just know I'm thinking of you both and hoping that you get a little miracle baby :) You definitely deserve it. I also hope maybe a few of those people with their comments read this post, grr.

amberlee @ Life with a Dream said...

I completely understand you... and everything you said has been thoughts in my head too. Dealing with PCOS is HARD... there are so many things to overcome.. but you will. I hope that one day soon you get your big fat positive... it will happen, even when you think it never will. Many women with PCOS get pregnant.. it just takes us longer! I wish you luck and brighter skies ahead!

Nora said...

I can't even fathom how difficult this road must be for you. I'm here for you, thinking of you both, and my shoulders and ears are always here for you to lean on or talk to. xo

Jess said...

Hugs. Many hugs.

Caiti said...

Hugs to you, Becky. I'm right there with you, and it's so difficult to handle the unknown, especially when other people aren't as sensitive to how hard it can be. I hope to write about my own journey soon.

Charlie said...

I'm sorry that you have to face those questions. An old friend of mine told me years ago that she couldn't have children (the same reason), and she was pretty much resigned to that. She's since had a child. Don't lose hope :)

The Many Thoughts of a Reader said...

people are incredibly stupid when it comes to babies. "oh it will happen when it happens." "just relax" "put your legs up.." people are stupid. hugs and im thinking of yous are all that people really should stick with. otherwise they insert feet into their mouths. ((((())))

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