Apr 30, 2012

Who am I, not who I see

I'm a confident person.

I'm fun and energetic, and I have no problem going up and talking to people I don't know. I'm able to put people at ease within minutes of meeting them, and I'm good at bringing people together.

I've always been a "take it or leave it" kind of girl - with my appearance, with my attitude, with my relationships. (Fun fact: I asked out at least half - if not more - of the guys I've dated). I'll dress up for myself but to impress someone else? Please. You can take me for who I am or not - because if not, you're missing out and it's no skin off my nose.

I laugh a lot, I find beauty in the every day moments, I love puns (thanks mom), and if you want to talk Shakespeare, I'm your girl. I know what I bring to the table - in a job, in a friendship, and in a relationship. I grow, and change, and can recognize when I'm wrong, but overall?

I don't apologize for who I am.

But.

(You knew that was coming, right?)

The energy I feel inside, isn't transcending to the outside. I look in the mirror and I have to make myself put my chin up, because I don't feel beautiful. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I see breakouts, and weight that won't go away.

Who I am is not who I see.

I know some of this is because of PCOS. Some of it's not. But I'm changing up foods and exercise - I'm trying new things and it doesn't seem to be making a difference. There are days when I wish I could keep the door to my office closed because over the phone I sound fabulous, but in person I don't look that way.

I have to whisper to myself that it's what's on the inside that counts.

I'm uncomfortable, and I feel awkward, and then I get frustrated because I know looks aren't important. In fact, if one of my friends told me what I'm saying now I would protest and tell her how fabulous she is - and how her personality makes her even more beautiful.

But for the first time, in a long time, I can't tell myself that. Or rather, I can, but I don't believe it.

I don't like being insecure. I'm working on it. So my intention for May is to be kinder to myself. To treat myself to pampering, and exercising, knowing they will feel fabulous for different reasons, but they will both help me in the long run. To know that I'm doing what I can.

Do you have a monthly intention for May? How are you are gentle with yourself when you're feeling down? 

*This is not a post to get compliments. It's what I'm feeling and worried about and being this vulnerable makes me want to throw up a little, but it feels worse not to share it. This is a place of honesty, where I can share what's happening in my life and I welcome you to do the same. 

13 comments:

Katie Himes said...

You're so beautiful. Seriously, when I was little I wanted to grow up and look just like you (you know it's true lol). You had me heartbroken that I didn't have red hair haha.

I actually do have a May goal! Well, May and June. I registered for Tread on Trafficking for an organization called Love146. Basically, I run 75 miles to literally put my foot down against child sex trafficking. Family and friends sponsor me by how much activity I accomplish. So that's my strange way of "pampering" myself: doing something good for myself while doing something even better for others who need it.

Gracie (Complicated Day) said...

I don't know, you look pretty fabulous to me! <3

Emily said...

i agree with the girls above, you look wonderful :) yet, i also know exactly how you feel, cause i've been feeling the same way. we're always our worst critic, aren't we? good for you for commiting to focusing on yourself! i am going to try to do the same! thanks for the encouragement!

Lisa from Lisa's Yarns said...

Aw, I am so sorry you feel this way. I for one think you are beautiful, and am sure that many will agree. But I know what you mean when what you see in the mirror doesn't reflect how you feel inside. you'll get back there, I just know you will. I am glad your goal is to be more kind to yourself!

Love you heaps and heaps! :)

Lucy The Valiant said...

You are very, very beautiful, inside AND out! I struggle with the same kinds of feelings when I look in the mirror and it feels just... heartbreaking.

Sarah said...

Dearest Becky, I absolutely can relate. I am always telling myself, you should be doing better, being better, looking better, etc... It's a trap. It sounds like fierce love time, no? I'll join you!

imlivinginadream said...

To a certain extent I definitely struggle with some of the things you wrote about here. I feel like as a girl, we'll always have something to criticize ourselves for. My mom hates it because she says I always seem to find myself a new physical fault. We're always going to be our biggest critic, but honestly? To us you're a gorgeous lady! I know that regardless of how many times you hear that you'll still be like "okay that's nice but I STILL FEEL THIS WAY" and I understand that. All you can do is strive to do things that make you feel good; eat well, exercise, take days to just relax & do something that makes you happy, and most importantly know that when people compliment you, they're not just being nice! If everyone sees something so lovely in you, it's because it's definitely there. :)

Stephany said...

Oh, Becky. I understand completely. COMPLETELY! But I also don't feel very fabulous on the inside some days and wish I was more energetic/outgoing/assertive.

It's hard to find that love for ourselves when our outsides don't seem to measure up to what we want them to be. Some days, I can fully be okay with not being size 6 skinny and some days, I feel like the biggest loser in the world for being fat. It sucks.

But I also know that when I'm doing GOOD THINGS for my body, I feel better. Exercising, eating healthy, filling foods, taking care of myself. It's hard to break the mentality of eating for comfort when we're down but it's necessary.

I want to be okay with myself, skinny or fat, because I know there is more to ME than what my body looks like.

Hugs. You know my email if you ever need to chat about it. I understand these feelings all too well.

Amber (Girl with the red hair) said...

Aw I'm so sorry you've been feeling this way friend. I'm glad you're taking steps to feeling better about yourself - you'll get there. In the meantime, be kind to yourself and also accept that you will occasionally have bad days. I've come SO FAR with my self-confidence over the past 3 years but I still have "fat" low body image days. Love you! XO

Nora said...

I admit, it's hard to read this and not want to compliemnt you for the 101 and more ways that you are beautiful, inside and out. At the same time, I understand where you are coming from. Lately I look in the mirror and feel.. blah. Sometimes I cry. I poke at my thighs and am annoyed with my hair as of late. It's hard not to be our own worst critics and to be positive all the time. Bottom line: I'm here for you and love you for you and for putting this out there. I know how hard these kinds of posts are!

Suburban Sweetheart said...

I love your spirit, your optimism, your persistence. I know I've said it before, but it's so true. I, of course, think you're beautiful already, but I can absolutely understand that longer for your outside to reflect your inside, in whatever way that means to you. You have all my support & encouragement along the way!

pinkflipflops said...

I think a lot of people get into these ruts and it is so hard, especially when you are doing everything you feel you can do to change things and you see no results. Screw PCOS. ;P

Jess said...

Well. I adore you. And I've seen the way your husband looks at you (temperatures rise). That man thinks you are gorgeous.

You are a woman of great character, a stunning smile, and the most perfect hair color ever. Chin up, always. You're worth it.

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