Jun 20, 2012

Nature AND Nurture

So my friend just had a baby. Her daughter is tiny, and precious, and has already stolen my heart.

It amazes me to think I was afraid of her.

You see, I was nervous - even though I was nothing but excited for my friend throughout her pregnancy, I was nervous that I'd go to the hospital and be jealous. I knew I'd love this little girl no matter what, but there was a tiny part of me that was worried jealousy would hold me back from fully celebrating this moment with my friend and her husband.

Well, much like her baby shower, it was so much better than I expected. The day her c-section arrived I was on pins and needles, and checked my phone what seemed like every three minutes. When I got the text saying mom and baby were just fine I was so excited I almost cried.

And when I met that little girl? All I could do was hold her and smile. I was amazed at how soft she was, how light she was, yet how solid she felt. I must have touched her nose a hundred times, and breathed her in even more.

As for the rest, my friend and I just chatted like normal. We talked about the birth (I kept saying, no really, how was the epidural), she asked about my new job, and I marveled at how everything was the same, but yet so much better because this new baby was finally here - and how seamlessly she fit into our lives.
Yes, that burrito from Chipotle IS almost as big as the baby!

This baby gave me an epiphany. I've tried so hard to not let PCOS define me, but I think I've been approaching it wrong. We want to have children. Badly. Which means PCOS is part of our lives in an in-your-face kind of way.

So I'm going to start sharing more about that here - not just my big ups and downs but all the in-betweens as well. I'm going to talk about my experience working with a holistic health consultant, and tell you what is or isn't making a difference. This will definitely not be an all-baby-all-the-time blog, but I'm going to make it a little more front and center, since my health is something I'm dealing with on a day-to-day basis.

I read something the other day that said "bearing a child is not the only way to mother." Maybe that meant alternate ways to have a family, but I read it as I don't have to save up all my "nurturing" for some potential future baby.

I can be kinder to people. I can go the extra mile. I think of the type of person I want to be when I'm a mother...yet what's stopping me from being her...now?

Have you ever realized the obstacle stopping you from something was yourself? What did you do about it?

14 comments:

Lisa from Lisa's Yarns said...

As someone who is 31 and single without a date in sight, I have had to open my mind up to the possibility that I may not have children of my own... So our lives may be very different, but I get how you feel (on some level). I, too, have watched best friends have babies and it's been awesome. No feelings of jealousy surfaced, which made me very happy.

I have learned that I can be what I think of as "a mother at heart" to my nephews, niece, and friends children. Because I don't have kids of my own, I have more to give to them and get to be more active in their lives. It doesn't replace having kids of your own, of course, but it does fill a bit part of my heart that would be empty otherwise!!

Amanda said...

I will just echo Lisa's comment :)

Emily said...

i love your post :) praying for you daily!

Lucy The Valiant said...

Honey, this post is beautiful. And so are you!

Kathleen said...

I have PCOS, and we eventually had an IUI to conceive, but it worked on the first try and I think a big part of that was because I had been seeing a nutritionist for months beforehand and had completely overhauled the way I was eating. So I do recommend the holistic route, but fertility docs can be awesome too if you find a good one. :)

Amber (Girl with the red hair) said...

What a great post Becky. You are such a positive person! I think that is a great way of looking at things!

What a precious little baby :)

Em said...

Thank you for waiting well. I love you heaps!

Melissa said...

There is something so amazing about the birth of a baby, it's crazy. I know exactly how you felt holding her in your arms. I'm sorry things are so tough for you though, and I can't even imagine that. I'm not at an age to be wanting kids just yet, but I know it's something I want too. I look forward to reading your future posts about your journey & seeing where it takes you! <3

pinkflipflops said...

Good for you Becky. I have many online friends with PCOS that will glady lend you an ear if you want/need. Let me know. I've directed a few of them to your other blog posts about PCOS. ((())) And that baby is adorable and now I want a burrito! dang you!

Ashley // Our Little Apartment said...

I really, really love this post. A lot.

I think acknowledging the fact that you want a baby (they *are* awesome) is a really healthy thing. It's like how setting a goal for yourself makes you actually make strides toward achieving it. (Though when a baby arrives, everything just begins instead of ends!)

Anyway, I'm happy for you and this is so beautiful and honest. Looking forward to more. (All baby all the time is okay in my book. ;))

Jenny Taylor said...

I'm so happy to see you posting about this. I feel like you've grazed this topic several times, but haven't fully talked about it.

And even though we've never met, through your blog we've become friends and I'm sure your other followers feel the same. We care about you and want to be able to keep up with how you're doing.

I think it's very brave to even admit all of this, and you have handled it so well with the birth of your friend's baby. If I were in that situation, I think that I would have let it get to me. I definitely have a lot of growing to do, but I admire how you have responded.

I don't know much about PCOS, although after your first post about it I read the wikipedia page. It seems like it is very manageable and having children is still very much an option. I am going to keep you in my prayers and I just know that you will be able to work through this and ultimately become a wonderful mother soon! :)

Michelle said...

I have been a long time reader, and I'm sorry I haven't really commented in the past. I think that being honest with yourself is so very hard, and so scary. It is often the toughest roadblock that I face.

I have a dear friend going through her battle with PCOS. This hits me in the heart.

Erin said...

Thinking of you Becky! As someone who struggled to conceive, I know what a big deal it is to admit to yourself that you really want kids and to start that journey. The good news is, even though it may be a long hard road, if becoming parents is what you both want, you can make it happen. Here to cheer you on and to lend an ear if you ever want to chat.

HC said...

Just wanted to send you some love! Let me know if there is anything I can do, I'm here to listen if you want to talk :)

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