my PCOS diagnosis. Maybe better is not the right word, but I feel lighter - and I fully believe it's because I'm sharing my experiences. I no longer have this burden on my chest; when I'm having a bad day I talk about it, and it helps. But like so many things in life, you get rid of one thing, and something else shows up to take its place.
For me, it's guilt.
I believe in taking responsibility when you make a mistake, and then moving on and learning from it. But what do you do when the guilt is there but a mistake hasn't been made? It doesn't happen often, but every now and then I get this gut-wrenching guilt that's hard to get rid of.
I feel guilty for not being able to get pregnant.
I feel guilty for not going to the doctor sooner, even though I really didn't have indicating symptoms.
I feel betrayed by my body and guilty because I'm doing all I can to change things, but it's still not enough.
I see how Ben will smile when he sees a pregnant woman or point out babies to me - and I feel guilty because I think I'm the reason we don't have a child.
I've never ever questioned our marriage, but I sometimes wonder if Ben wishes he were with someone who didn't have PCOS.
I know these are all ridiculous and irrational (and not my fault), but every so often, the thoughts creep in.
I tried to apologize to Ben once for this - to explain my guilt about how this is my fault - and he shut me down. He said I might not be able to help those thoughts but I should know they are stupid and he never has them - so I shouldn't either. (Do you see why I love this man?)
The guilt is surfacing less and less these days. Maybe it's because I'm being kinder to myself, or maybe it's because I'm really connecting with my body - through yoga, through food, and soaking in the little moments. I used to be a black and white thinker, but it amazes me how much PCOS has pushed me out my comfort zone and firmly planted me in the gray area.
So I'll embrace the gray - and see where it takes me.
Have you ever had to change the way you think about something? Did you do it quickly or was more gradual? Are you a black and white thinker or do you sit more in the gray area?