Jul 30, 2012

On not apologizing

Each day I'm feeling better and and better about my PCOS diagnosis. Maybe better is not the right word, but I feel lighter - and I fully believe it's because I'm sharing my experiences. I no longer have this burden on my chest; when I'm having a bad day I talk about it, and it helps. But like so many things in life, you get rid of one thing, and something else shows up to take its place.

For me, it's guilt.

I believe in taking responsibility when you make a mistake, and then moving on and learning from it. But what do you do when the guilt is there but a mistake hasn't been made? It doesn't happen often, but every now and then I get this gut-wrenching guilt that's hard to get rid of.

I feel guilty for not being able to get pregnant.

I feel guilty for not going to the doctor sooner, even though I really didn't have indicating symptoms.

I feel betrayed by my body and guilty because I'm doing all I can to change things, but it's still not enough.

I see how Ben will smile when he sees a pregnant woman or point out babies to me - and I feel guilty because I think I'm the reason we don't have a child.

I've never ever questioned our marriage, but I sometimes wonder if Ben wishes he were with someone who didn't have PCOS.

I know these are all ridiculous and irrational (and not my fault), but every so often, the thoughts creep in.

I tried to apologize to Ben once for this - to explain my guilt about how this is my fault - and he shut me down. He said I might not be able to help those thoughts but I should know they are stupid and he never has them - so I shouldn't either. (Do you see why I love this man?)

The guilt is surfacing less and less these days. Maybe it's because I'm being kinder to myself, or maybe it's because I'm really connecting with my body - through yoga, through food, and soaking in the little moments. I used to be a black and white thinker, but it amazes me how much PCOS has pushed me out my comfort zone and firmly planted me in the gray area.

So I'll embrace the gray - and see where it takes me.

Have you ever had to change the way you think about something? Did you do it quickly or was more gradual? Are you a black and white thinker or do you sit more in the gray area?


Sarah said...

Becky, you are amazing. The way you push yourself out of your comfort zone and take us along for the journey is so, so wonderful. I am on my own journey from black & white thinker to gray area dweller. Isn't it funny that the things we think will exhaust us actually exhilarate us? xoxo

Suburban Sweetheart said...

Great post, Becky. I am too tired to have much to say of substance, but I'm consistently impressed by your wise - & almost always positive - outlook on life. <3

Amber @ A Little Pink in the Cornfields said...

Awww, what a great post. I cannot wait to meet Ben and see you both together. He truly sounds like such a great man.

I think as women, we are practically wired to always feel guilty and burdened with something. I think it is great that you are so aware and that you are making changes for yourself to reduce that guilt.

Lisa from Lisa's Yarns said...

Well, I have seen you and Ben together and honestly you two stand out in my mind as one of the most IN LOVE couples I know. I can tell how happy you make each other. I know it is natural to have those feelings you have, but it's good to keep talking about them (with Ben or a good friend or your mom or whoever can give you comfort). I think it's important to acknowledge them - and move forward... which is exactly what you are doing.

I used to sort of obsess over the fact that I was single. Getting married is something I really hope is in my future, but I think I used to have an unhealthy focus and I thought my worth was tied up in whether or not I had someone in my life. Luckily I worked through that and while I still hope a great guy comes along some day, I've always gotten to the point where I am ok and actually very happy being single!

Amber said...

Like Lisa said I think it's really great and important that you're acknowledging these feelings you're having so you can move forward from them. Thinking of you! XO

Nora said...

Oh, the gray. I feel like I've been living in the gray for the last six months. Totally different reasons of course, but it's there. I can relate to this on so many levels. I've tried to apologize to Knight for the position this move has put us in, for not being able to make things work with other people in his life better and just PHEW. It's a lot sometimes. But at the same time, embracing this in-between land works just as well for me as of late. I have no idea if I'll ever get back to black and white. Love this post and love you!

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