Aug 22, 2012

This is life

Last night found me overwhelmed and in tears.

September is gearing up to be a busy month and while I'm pumped for it, I'm also looking at my very full plate and starting to panic. So I cleared everything from my schedule this week and hunkered down with some TV and knitting.

I made a doctor's appointment last week, and I think it's affecting me more than I realized. The appointment is with a Reproductive Endocrinologist, so Ben and I can meet with them and talk about our options. When I made the appointment the people were friendly (even when my cell phone cut out twice during the call), kind, and I had a follow-up email within minutes of hanging up the phone.

Two minutes later I was fighting the urge to cry. I couldn't figure out why I was freaking out so much - we have plenty of time to fill out paperwork, Ben and I have clear ideas about what we want/don't want, and we have no problem expressing that to the staff, and they were nothing but helpful on the phone. 

It took me awhile, but I realized something's wrong.

I mean, logically, I know something is wrong - I have PCOS for goodness' sake - but this is the first time I've gone to a doctor for that reason alone. It's nerve-wracking. It's unknown territory. And I'm quietly terrified they're going to tell us the problem is bigger than we thought and I honestly don't know if I can handle that.

I was word vomiting telling a friend yesterday about how I'm stressed and trying to slow down and enjoy the moments, and she referred me to this blog post. It talked about life's obstacles, and how it's easy to wish away time, or get caught up in the planning of future events. You really should read the whole post, but I want to share the quote the blogger started with:

For a long time it seemed to me that real life was about to begin, but there was always some obstacle in the way. Something had to be taken care of first, some unfinished business; time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last, it dawned on me that these obstacles are my life, and I am living it.
              - Bette Howland

This is life. As much as sometimes I don't want to deal with things or think about things, this is what I'm doing, what I'm living. This is my life.


Lisa from Lisa's Yarns said...

Aw, I am sorry you had a rough night. You are dealing with some big things right now and very scary unknowns. I know that no matter what happens, you and Ben will thrive and survive... but that doesn't take away from the fact that it's a scary, unknown road ahead of you. I hope you are pleasantly surprised by what you find when you meet with this endo. I have a friend that had PCOS as well and she had a beautiful baby girl last summer! I hope that is how the story plays out for you as well!!

September is freaking me out, too. I booked a flight yesterday and realized I have 4 sets of flights in the span of 19 days... Ahhh! 1 set is for fun, the other 3 are for work... I actually felt a little sick to my stomach thinking about how I will fit it all in and stay sane. I'll manage it somehow, I guess!

Kelly (She Wears a Red Sox Cap) said...

Also have a busy September coming up, so I hear you on that. However, obviously you have a lot more to handle than just a busy month and so it's okay to be overwhelmed but also good that you can already see (while dealing with it) that these obstacles are what makes life. Like Lisa said, I hope you hear good news and that all works out in the end :)

Kelly (She Wears a Red Sox Cap) said...

PS. Do you know the song by Darius Rucker- It won't be like this for long? reminded me of this post...

Anonymous said...

Thanks for that quote- it's something I have to remind myself too as I've been working through the divorce- I keep saying I will make time for myself after the paperwork is done or take up a hobby after I am settled-- but this is life here and now and being able to work through the muck to find the peace and quiet is key. I find that a good cry over life and stress every now and again can be incredibly soothing and help us refocus. On the PCOS front, will be thinking of you and hoping for positive news.

Amber @ A Little Pink in the Cornfields said...

Aww, I know things are scary and not knowing what the future holds is such a difficult thing to accept. You and Ben are in my prayers. Continue thinking positive and surrounding yourself with positive people. Things will work out the way they should!

Sarah said...

Oh, Becky. Last week was one of those weeks for me -- and I'm exactly the same way. When I'm going through something that's upsetting me, I need to cancel plans and turn inward. I'll be thinking of you this week with your doctor's appointment. I know how anxiety-producing those things can be. In those situations, I try to remember that worry isn't preventative, you know? Thinking of the worst case scenario is only ONE of the possibilities, so when you find yourself saying "what if [bad thing] happens?", you should also say "what if [bad thing] doesn't happen?" :) :)

Amber said...

Thank you so much for sharing that blog post lady, it's definitely something I needed to read right now and that quote. Wow! I am in quite a big funk and just not feeling like "myself" these days like I told you yesterday, but that's all just a part of life, and the life I'm living :)

I know the doctors appointment sounds scary but I think it'll be a really good thing for you guys. Thinking about you lots! XO

Ashley // Our Little Apartment said...

Oh, I really love your honesty and these insights. And that blog post (especially the photo. It says so much.).

I am hoping you get some answers and some good news at the doctor.

Emily said...

praying for you, sweet girl. just remember to take one day at a time....and when you need to cry, cry. just always remember you're not alone....hugs!!!!

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