Our Thanksgiving weekend was fabulous - full of love, laughter, and family. (Even though I didn't finish my Ten Days of Thankful - whoops!) It was a good mix of running around and being at home - and it gave me a lot of time to think about how this fertility journey Ben and I are on has been nothing short of an emotional roller coaster.
I've talked about how I thought being diagnosed with PCOS would make things a bit easier, how I was nervous about making doctor's appointments, but then surprised with how well they went. There's been a shift in my thinking lately, something I couldn't quite put my finger on until a recent conversation with a friend when she remarked, "Becky, you sound hopeful."
Well that's a word I haven't thought of in awhile. But all the same, it's true. I trust my doctors. I have faith in Ben and myself to make good decisions, and with our follow-up appointment coming up, I'm open to establishing a plan for what the next steps need to be.
What happens if I do get pregnant? It's funny to even write that. There was a time when the thought of being pregnant would be make me teary and overjoyed, but I am so used to not being able to get pregnant, at this point the concept of me having a baby doesn't even seem real. But it could be real at some point in the (hopefully not too distance) future, and what happens then? I've identified myself in my mind as a woman with PCOS, who has had trouble conceiving...so what happens when I'm pregnant? I mentioned that to Ben the other day and he kind of laughed and said, "you know that when you get pregnant that other stuff doesn't go away right? You'll still have PCOS and you will have had trouble conceiving. You'll just be pregnant too."
I get that, but it's hard for me to understand it. I keep thinking of that scene from Friends - the episode where Rachel is having the baby and Monica is trying to freak out Chandler in the waiting room by saying they should have a baby too. Chandler tells Monica he thinks they are ready to start trying and she freaks out. When Chandler asks her isn't that what she'd always wanted, she says something like, "Well yeah, but no one ever wanted to have a baby with me. Now we can just have one anytime? What are you doing to me?" (I tried to find a clip of this online but couldn't. And yes, I have seen Friends a lot).
I like that people come to me with questions about infertility because they know I'm open and honest and happy to share what I can, and I don't want to be someone who never talks about the struggles once I have kids. I want to stay me.
Even as I'm writing this I'm laughing at myself because it's exactly like Ben said - the experiences don't go away - but knowing that and associating/feeling that are two different things for me right now. I guess I'll just take it a day at a time - kind of like I've done with this diagnosis - and see how it is from there.
Have you ever "anticipated" an identity crisis or have been conflicted about how to associate yourself? How did you handle it?