Jan 29, 2013


This post has been on my heart for awhile. I've been thinking and thinking about what I want to say, because the last time I talked about our struggle with infertility, I left you with the impression I was broken.

I want to assure you, I am not.

December was emotional. I read books that helped me process. I cried. I journaled. I recognized that I am a warrior. And a month to the day of our follow-up appointment Ben and I had a conversation. We talked about a lot of options, what we thought, why we thought it, and decided while we are not taking it off the table forever, right now, we are choosing not to do the IUI.

I told Ben in our whole journey this is the least stressed/worried I've been, but fertility is always in the back of my mind. Every morning before getting out of bed I stick a thermometer in my mouth and take my basil body temperature. I've traveled with that thermometer, I've gotten frustrated when I've forgotten a day, and irritated when sick, knowing it would throw my temperature off. I've lived with that thermometer for over a year.

The morning after Ben and I had our conversation, I threw out that thermometer. I expected to have some tears of relief, but instead, I smiled. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  

I've been waiting for the tears - to be a little bit sad because our future is unknown, or the tears of joy that we're letting this go for now. That's what I'm used to - we make a big, emotional decision, and hard or easy, I cry about it.

Not this time.

Instead, I've felt lighter, and happier, and...at peace.

I've had honest conversations about hard topics that two months ago I didn't want to discuss - conversations that were exactly what I needed. I've celebrated the birth of babies without bothering to be worried about how that would make me feel, because I was too wrapped up in joy for the new family.

I feel like I'm starting to shimmer.

Does this mean I won't have hard days ahead of me? I doubt it. But for once I'm smiling instead of crying. I'm enjoying my husband and the life we've created, and I'm done wishing away time for more.  We've decided to live in the moment, and to try not to worry about what the future may (or may not) bring.

I'm learning to live with the question marks - and for now...that's enough.


Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

How liberating, indeed. I give you and Ben a lot of credit for having the tough conversations, but also allowing yourselves to enjoy your time together right now.

The Many Thoughts of a Reader said...


BFraze said...

You always shimmer! :-)

BFraze said...

You always shimmer! :-)

BFraze said...

You always shimmer! :-)

Kelly (She Wears a Red Sox Cap) said...

I love the live with the question marks idea :) It's hard thing to do but an important one. This is a wonderful post and you are a brave and wonderful person to put it out there. I am sure you are not alone. And actually, you are never really alone, as you have a wonderful support system and we all love you!

Lisa from Lisa's Yarns said...

I love that you are embracing living with question marks. Maybe you can be my mentor in that area of life as I am sucking at it right now! I am really happy to hear that you've moved out of the sad phase and are feeling more light and happy and unburdened. I am sure you will still have your tough days (and I am here to listen on those tough days) but it's good to get to that point of acceptance where you just let things happens and let the chips fall as they may... Love you!!

Unknown said...

Good for you Becky - when did you get so wise? I wish you nothing but peace, contentment, joy, & an unbreakable bond between your husband and yourself. Clearly your path in life is leading somewhere unexpected. Relax, & enjoy the ride!

R's Rue said...

Great post!
Wish you all the best!

Stephany said...

This is a beautiful post, Becky. I'm so sad you have to deal with all of this, but so inspired and in awe of your grace and peace with all of this.

Amber said...

I think this is a wonderful attitude to have. When you think about it there is really SO LITTLE we have control over in our lives, so why dwell on things that we literally cannot control? Stress is so bad and hard on us and in my humble opinion it's a huge waste of times to stress over things we can't control. Easier said than done of course!!

Angela Knoll said...

That's the attitude I finally took on before we conceived Siena. It's amazing how freeing that is and how well our body responds. Good luck in 2013!

Nora said...

Such a big step; the most important part to me: that you are at peace. I find that peace brings such a sense of relief with it at times, even if the situation will still be hard from time to time.

Anonymous said...

This blog is so nice ! I followed on GFC ;)

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