This post has been on my heart for awhile. I've been thinking and thinking about what I want to say, because the last time I talked about our struggle with infertility, I left you with the impression I was broken.
I want to assure you, I am not.
December was emotional. I read books that helped me process. I cried. I journaled. I recognized that I am a warrior. And a month to the day of our follow-up appointment Ben and I had a conversation. We talked about a lot of options, what we thought, why we thought it, and decided while we are not taking it off the table forever, right now, we are choosing not to do the IUI.
I told Ben in our whole journey this is the least stressed/worried I've been, but fertility is always in the back of my mind. Every morning before getting out of bed I stick a thermometer in my mouth and take my basil body temperature. I've traveled with that thermometer, I've gotten frustrated when I've forgotten a day, and irritated when sick, knowing it would throw my temperature off. I've lived with that thermometer for over a year.
The morning after Ben and I had our conversation, I threw out that thermometer. I expected to have some tears of relief, but instead, I smiled. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
I've been waiting for the tears - to be a little bit sad because our future is unknown, or the tears of joy that we're letting this go for now. That's what I'm used to - we make a big, emotional decision, and hard or easy, I cry about it.
Not this time.
Instead, I've felt lighter, and happier, and...at peace.
I've had honest conversations about hard topics that two months ago I didn't want to discuss - conversations that were exactly what I needed. I've celebrated the birth of babies without bothering to be worried about how that would make me feel, because I was too wrapped up in joy for the new family.
I feel like I'm starting to shimmer.
Does this mean I won't have hard days ahead of me? I doubt it. But for once I'm smiling instead of crying. I'm enjoying my husband and the life we've created, and I'm done wishing away time for more. We've decided to live in the moment, and to try not to worry about what the future may (or may not) bring.
I'm learning to live with the question marks - and for now...that's enough.