Today has been hard. I've been happy, and laughing, and singing along to something ridiculous in my car (no really, I have the same musical tastes as a 15-year old), when all of a sudden a noise, a lyric, a movement, triggers an emotion and brings me spiraling down.
I'm amazed at how incredible parts of my life can be - how happy and
content I feel, while at the same time still waiting and wondering if
we'll ever be able to expand our family.
Before it's been like a punch to the gut - wondering why we have to struggle with infertility; lately, it seems more like I'm floating in the water and all of a sudden an anvil gets dropped on me. I realize I can't hold it and swim at the same time. It's taking everything in me to simply stay afloat, and my energy is fading fast.
Last night I had a dream I was pregnant - this isn't too unusual and I really don't read anything into these dreams anymore (especially considering some of the name choices that come out of them), but last night wasn't seeing myself pregnant or having the baby, it was simply the discovery. It was realizing this dream had finally come true - and the joy - oh, I can't even describe it. I woke up with damp eyes because I had been crying in the dream...and then I realized it was just a dream and the tears became real.
I don't want it to be just a dream. I don't want to have to "stay afloat," and I don't want to have to live my life constantly wondering when the dark feelings and anger are going to claw their way to surface again. But I don't know if that will change.
I have all kinds of coping mechanisms - I embrace the feelings, I cry, I laugh, I divert my attention - I've done it all. I'm just not sure how much longer I can keep doing it, and I have no idea if an end is in sight.
About this time three years ago, Ben and I began to seriously talk about starting a family. We dreamed of ways we would tell our families we were pregnant, and I giggled when I imagined having to actually take a pregnancy test, because I knew I would be one of those women who just knew when it happened.
I don't really believe in regrets, but sometimes I wish I could go back to that time just for a moment - to those carefree we're about to begin the next chapter in our lives conversations because that innocence we had is long gone. It was sustained for awhile, but somewhere between too many negative pregnancy tests to count, blood draws, and diagnoses, that innocence crumbled like a house of cards.
It shouldn't be this hard. I shouldn't have to feel like I simply need to stay afloat.
But it is.
And I simply don't know what to do with that anymore.