Jun 17, 2013

Ready for Joy

I've had this post in my drafts for a little while. Ben and I have decided to pursue the IUI and we are really excited for this next step! I want to share as much with you as I can, so I'll be doing what I'm calling "belated blogging." I'll write about experiences as I have them and then post about them a bit later, but I won't talk specific time frames. This allows me to really be in the moment, and then write about it and share it the best way I know how. Thanks in advance for the support and understanding as I share! I can't wait to take you all with us on this journey!

A few days ago, Ben and I decided to pursue the IUI.

I was happy, but automatically went into what I call "business mode," and started thinking about what we needed to do to prepare for it.

When I contacted the doctor's office, we talked time frame, but aside from renewing a prescription for prenatal vitamins, we are pretty much all set. The office is taking care of what they need to, and I was left with no list of things to do.

I was driving my car that night and started dreaming about what it would mean if this worked, but my mind immediately shut down that picture - there's always a chance it won't work, I thought, I shouldn't get my hopes up.

But then, as I was sitting at a red light, my heart sped up, and then deliberately slowed back down. It was like my heart was saying, it's okay. Open me up.

No, my brain objected. The medicine could be horrible and I might not respond the way I should.

It's okay. Open me up, my heart patiently replied.

But if I do that, I'm all in - and that's terrifying, my brain tried to rationalize. And if it doesn't work there will be so much pain. I can't expose you to that again!

If you don't let me open to the pain, I can't feel the joy. And there is joy - it's waiting for you, my heart responded.

But, my brain protested weakly.

It's okay, my heart whispered. I can take it. I promise. Just open me up.

You asked for it, I thought as I took a deep breath.

Then the strangest thing happened. A calm settled over me and I began to smile. "This is going to work," I whispered in the silence of my car. I laughed. "This is going to work!" I said again, getting more confident. "It might not be so bad or it might be really rough, but we could have a baby!"

Tears streamed down my face (I can only imagine what the other drivers were thinking at this point), but not with the hurt and fear I was so used to, but with a feeling I almost didn't recognize.

Joy.

I began to let myself dream - of hearing heartbeats, and a rounded belly; of the expression on Ben's face when feeling the baby kick for the first time.

I dreamed of names, and baby feet, and even those late night feedings. I thought about how fun it would be to see a fellow mom in a store and exchange happy, but tired smiles.

My heart has been guarded so tightly for so long, that I'd forgotten about hope.

I'd left joy in the dust, convinced we wouldn't meet again.

I never thought I'd be so excited for a medical process. I thought I'd have to be really desperate to get to that place.

Yet it's the opposite of desperation.

It's love.

My heart has so much to give - and I am all in.

So let's do this IUI. No amount of hormones or mood swings can deter me, because I've got a vision for my family that won't be defeated.

And in the words of my heart: I am ready for the joy.

14 comments:

Ruth said...

Becky, this is so so amazing. I can feel the lightness and hope and pure love in your words. I am so beyond excited for you. You are going to be one awesome mother!!! Holding you in love as you go through the process..... xoxo

erin - mutterings of eringirl said...

Oh Becky I love this. I'm sure the process won't always be joyful, but indeed there is joy in you and in the possibilities and in the life that IS to come. Thinking of you and praying for you to find joy, to have joy and to be joyous always!

Amber said...

Love this post so so so much. When you open your heart amazing things can happen!

Lisa from Lisa's Yarns said...

Aw, I love this post and the tangible sense of optimism you are exuding! I know it is scary to open your heart to something you want so badly, but it's so exciting at the same time. And I really believe that there is a connection between our physical and mental health. So maybe, just maybe, believing this is going to happen for you guys is going to make just the tiniest bit of difference in your chances of this working! I will be praying with every fiber of my being that it does in fact work! Love you and am so excited for you!!

Jess @ Wrangling Chaos said...

!!!!!!!

This makes me so happy. Not because of the end result possibility, but because of your heart here.
So many hugs.

The Many Thoughts of a Reader said...

(((()))) Thinking of you! I hope one IUI is all it takes for that magical moment when you find out you are going to be a mom!

Kathleen said...

Exciting!! As a reminder, I had my daughter through IUI so if you have any questions or need to talk, let me know. :)

Nora said...

Crying. Again.
Love you both so much!

26dishes.com said...

So freaking excited for you that I can't even stand it.

Kelly (She Wears a Red Sox Cap) said...

Awww :) I am SO happy that you decided to do this for so many reasons, but mostly because it has given you back that fun sense of hope that you used to have and have lost because it's been so hard for you guys. I'll be praying right along with Lisa that this works for you guys! This little child is going to be SO lucky to have you two as parents! :)

Stephany said...

This made me cry. I am SO thrilled for you! This is such a big step and I am so happy/excited for what lies ahead for you guys. That baby is going to be SO friggin lucky and blessed to have such amazing, loving parents like you two.

YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

What a wonderful decision that you and Ben made together! A whole new set of doors just opened in front of you - I am hopeful for what greets you when you walk through them!

Emily said...

SO SO SO excited for you guys! Praying DAILY for you!!!!!

S.I.F. said...

EVERYTHING crossed for you lady... Everything!

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