I've had this post in my drafts for a little while. Ben and I have decided to pursue the IUI and we are really excited for this next step! I want to share as much with you as I can, so I'll be doing what I'm calling "belated blogging." I'll write about experiences as I have them and then post about them a bit later, but I won't talk specific time frames. This allows me to really be in the moment, and then write about it and share it the best way I know how. Thanks in advance for the support and understanding as I share! I can't wait to take you all with us on this journey!
A few days ago, Ben and I decided to pursue the IUI.
I was happy, but automatically went into what I call "business mode," and started thinking about what we needed to do to prepare for it.
When I contacted the doctor's office, we talked time frame, but aside from renewing a prescription for prenatal vitamins, we are pretty much all set. The office is taking care of what they need to, and I was left with no list of things to do.
I was driving my car that night and started dreaming about what it would mean if this worked, but my mind immediately shut down that picture - there's always a chance it won't work, I thought, I shouldn't get my hopes up.
But then, as I was sitting at a red light, my heart sped up, and then deliberately slowed back down. It was like my heart was saying, it's okay. Open me up.
No, my brain objected. The medicine could be horrible and I might not respond the way I should.
It's okay. Open me up, my heart patiently replied.
But if I do that, I'm all in - and that's terrifying, my brain tried to rationalize. And if it doesn't work there will be so much pain. I can't expose you to that again!
If you don't let me open to the pain, I can't feel the joy. And there is joy - it's waiting for you, my heart responded.
But, my brain protested weakly.
It's okay, my heart whispered. I can take it. I promise. Just open me up.
You asked for it, I thought as I took a deep breath.
Then the strangest thing happened. A calm settled over me and I began to smile. "This is going to work," I whispered in the silence of my car. I laughed. "This is going to work!" I said again, getting more confident. "It might not be so bad or it might be really rough, but we could have a baby!"
Tears streamed down my face (I can only imagine what the other drivers were thinking at this point), but not with the hurt and fear I was so used to, but with a feeling I almost didn't recognize.
I began to let myself dream - of hearing heartbeats, and a rounded belly; of the expression on Ben's face when feeling the baby kick for the first time.
I dreamed of names, and baby feet, and even those late night feedings. I thought about how fun it would be to see a fellow mom in a store and exchange happy, but tired smiles.
My heart has been guarded so tightly for so long, that I'd forgotten about hope.
I'd left joy in the dust, convinced we wouldn't meet again.
I never thought I'd be so excited for a medical process. I thought I'd have to be really desperate to get to that place.
Yet it's the opposite of desperation.
My heart has so much to give - and I am all in.
So let's do this IUI. No amount of hormones or mood swings can deter me, because I've got a vision for my family that won't be defeated.
And in the words of my heart: I am ready for the joy.