Ben and I have decided to pursue the IUI and we are really excited for this next step! I want to share as much with you as I can, so I'll be doing what I'm calling "belated blogging." I'll write about experiences as I have them and then post about them a bit later, but I won't talk specific time frames. This allows me to really be in the moment, and then write about it and share it the best way I know how. Thanks so much for the support and understanding as I share! I can't wait to take you all with us on this journey!
Lately I've been a little obsessed with Kacey Musgraves. A friend of mine introduced me to a few of her songs, and it was only a few days later that I bought her album, and have been listening to it non-stop anytime I'm in my car.
I could talk about all the songs I love off the album - the words are clever and funny, but there is one song in particular that made me pull over one day so I could really listen to it again. (Seriously, what is it with me having these moments when I'm driving?)
The song is called Silver Lining and appropriately, it's about finding the silver linings in life - about putting yourself out there - but more importantly, what you have to do to find the silver lining.
If you're ever gonna find a silver lining...It's gotta be a cloudy day...If you want to fill your bottle up with lightning...You're gonna have to stand in the rain...
Like most songs, I listen to a few lyrics and then almost zone out, and start to think about life and what I can relate to. (Anyone else do this? It normally takes me a couple of times to really hear a whole song). I was thinking how the lyrics were really sweet and about how I was kind of proud of myself because I think I'm pretty good about finding the good in a bad situation - of finding that silver lining.
I started listening to the words again, and that's when a few lyrics slapped me in the face.
If you wanna find the honey,
You can't be scared of the bees,
And if you wanna see the forest
You're gonna have to look past the trees
It's a pretty easy concept right? Seeing the bigger picture? But I was blown away, because this journey Ben and I are about to embark on this - the IUI and all that it will entail - for so long it was a huge weeping willow tree.
I'd skirt around the trunk of the tree - coming to terms with associating myself with infertility - but then I would run into another tree, another obstacle, another set back, this one seemingly bigger than the last.
But I'm climbing the trees now. Sure, I sometimes still get scraped on the way up, but I can see the big picture, and not just when it comes to an IUI.
I'm looking at the forest - all these weeping willows of infertility and struggles, and losses, and sorrows, and I see my call to action.
It's time to do something.
Regardless of how this storyline unfolds for Ben and me, the call is there.
I don't know what it's going to be yet, but it might be starting with this blog. I love writing here, but the posts I love writing the most are the raw and honest ones - when I find the silver lining because I put myself out there. Will it be all fertility all the time? No. But my focus might start to shift, and I realize I'm absolutely okay with that.
So for now I'm at the top of a tree - taking in the view of the forest - our struggles, your struggles, and those of strangers.
It's heart-breakingly beautiful, but I can't wait to see what comes next.