Aug 8, 2013

Coping

One week ago I had a blood draw, and nerves.
 
One week ago I kept myself busy waiting for a phone call that I "had a feeling" would be good news.
 
One week ago I had hope.
 
I'd like to say each day is better, but so far all I can say is each day is different.
 
One day I'm overwhelmed with sadness, one day I'm ready to punch something in anger, one day I'm smiling at all the love coming from so many places (comments, texts, emails, calls, packages), and the next day I feel numb.
 
I've gotten better about seeming composed, and making small talk, but I want to scream I AM NOT OKAY!
 
I have let myself lean on people the way I normally wouldn't. I'm accepting any form of kindness that is extended - food, flowers, prayers - anything to help get me through this. I feel broken and defeated, and since I can't do it yet, I'm letting others piece me back together.
 
I wish the pain weren't so raw. I wish it didn't seem so big.
 
Thank God for Ben. We are standing together through this - holding hands and sometimes leaning away, to process on our own, but our fingers are linked almost as tightly as our hearts, and as soon as one of us starts to sway, the other is there to prop them up.
 
I know one day the hope will return, but that seems so far off. And for now, I'm letting that be okay. 
 
I'm just putting one foot in front of the other and seeing where that takes me.

9 comments:

The Many Thoughts of a Reader said...

((((()))) I hated seeing the negative month after month after month. It's such a fucking mind fuck and then when the hope gets so big and is RIIIIGHT there it always seems like the punch in the gut comes out of nowhere and brings it all back down again to defeat and heart ache and despair.

Kelly (She Wears a Red Sox Cap) said...

Becky, I'm thinking of you every day and happy that you have an amazing husband and wonderful friends/family to carry you through. Sending more hugs your way.

Nora said...

Hugs, hugs, hugs and more hugs.

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

As your body heals, your soul will heal, too. Keep leaning. Keep loving. Hugs.

Katelin said...

so many hugs. we're all here for you and each other. xo

Lisa from Lisa's Yarns said...

I am glad you have so many people in your life that are trying to help lift you up during this 'weighed down' phase you are going through. I am thinking of you from afar and sending so many hugs.

Kate @ SuburbanSweetheart.com said...

I wish I knew what to say, & maybe I never will. But I am always, always rooting for you & thinking of you & sending you so much love & strength.

Amber said...

XOXOXO been thinking about you so much! Thank god for friends and family during times like this. Love you brain twin.

Tammy Roney said...

We have never met but I can feel your pain in your words. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Sending hugs your way and good thoughts!

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