Aug 14, 2013

Moving through

The sadness is still here, but it's not so...on the surface as it was before. Listening to a song doesn't quite make me tear up as much now, but rather experience a sense of quiet numbness.

But then anger arrived with a vengeance.

I know this will eventually be a good thing - I'm moving through the sadness into anger - this means I'm processing and dealing, but holy crap.

I literally feel like anything could set me off. Even with all the medicine I took for the IUI, there were only a couple of times I felt like I wasn't in control of my emotions, but that is nothing compared to what I'm feeling now.

I get angry when I think of how long Ben and I have had to hear the word "no."

I get incensed when I think of how we might do this again  (no, we haven't even discussed it), but am just as enraged thinking we might not do this again.

I get furious when I think of how many other people are struggling with things right now, but I can't seem to pull myself out of this hole I'm in.

I have never in my life been this angry. Angry doesn't even come close to a strong enough word to describe it, but I don't know that a synonym will do it justice either.

Mostly I'm tired of feeling - the devastation, the heartbreak, and the constant reminders (in the smallest ways) that our dream of a family hasn't happened, and we don't know if it ever will.

So I'll take the anger. I'm not thrilled with it, but honestly, it's better than the sadness. I'm a long way off from (for lack of a better term) feeling better, but I know this is the next step.

But in the meantime...tread lightly.


Kelly (She Wears a Red Sox Cap) said...

Does it help to know, that I think I can speak for all your friends and family when I say that we are angry for you too? I have "it's just not fair" (feet stomping) moments about you and Ben regularly.
You should come up with a name for your angry alter ego... for example mine is called "Rage-elly"- you could be Anger-ecky, or something like that. Just because I know you and Ben are good at the comic relief :)
Love you :)

Nora said...

I don't think I can say it as well as Kelly did so I'm taking the "ditto" cop out on this one.

I LOVE the idea of an angry alter ego.


Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

Me, too, regarding Kelly's comment. I know you recognize you're going through a process and there are different stages to this process, but it doesn't make any particular stage easier. So, I'll just say a big GRRRRRRRR on your behalf.

Anonymous said...

I completely agree with all this. I wish we could at least have a focus for the anger to direct it somewhere! It's frustrating how even the anger is really amorphous!! /sigh

Sending lots of love, and raging at the sky in solidarity with you xo

The Many Thoughts of a Reader said...


Unknown said...

I remember that anger well. It's normal. And it passes. I promise. So for now, embrace it. Because you're right - the anger is easier than the sadness. So be angry. Be pissed. You've earned it. I'm pissed FOR you.

Kim said...

As much as anger sucks to feel, it's necessary to move forward. And you can channel anger. You truly can. Each cycle, each procedure is a new set of emotions to process. You seem to be ahead of the curve in that you know that already.

Lisa from Lisa's Yarns said...

I will also add a ditto to what Kelly said. Heidi and I were talking this weekend and I said I feel like I have lost touch with the ability to feel great happiness, excitement, and elation. Those are such surface emotions for me these days - I don't fully feel them. Instead, I fully feel sadness, despair, and anger, and not just for things I am dealing with, but with things others are dealing with - like your situation. It breaks my heart that there isn't anything I can do to ease the pain you are feeling. I am praying for you, and wish there was more I could do!

Katelin said...

i've definitely been in the anger phase lately and it's hard. all of it is hard. xoxo

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