The sadness is still here, but it's not so...on the surface as it was before. Listening to a song doesn't quite make me tear up as much now, but rather experience a sense of quiet numbness.
But then anger arrived with a vengeance.
I know this will eventually be a good thing - I'm moving through the sadness into anger - this means I'm processing and dealing, but holy crap.
I literally feel like anything could set me off. Even with all the medicine I took for the IUI, there were only a couple of times I felt like I wasn't in control of my emotions, but that is nothing compared to what I'm feeling now.
I get angry when I think of how long Ben and I have had to hear the word "no."
I get incensed when I think of how we might do this again (no, we haven't even discussed it), but am just as enraged thinking we might not do this again.
I get furious when I think of how many other people are struggling with things right now, but I can't seem to pull myself out of this hole I'm in.
I have never in my life been this angry. Angry doesn't even come close to a strong enough word to describe it, but I don't know that a synonym will do it justice either.
Mostly I'm tired of feeling - the devastation, the heartbreak, and the constant reminders (in the smallest ways) that our dream of a family hasn't happened, and we don't know if it ever will.
So I'll take the anger. I'm not thrilled with it, but honestly, it's better than the sadness. I'm a long way off from (for lack of a better term) feeling better, but I know this is the next step.
But in the meantime...tread lightly.