Nov 12, 2013

Quiet Acceptance

November has been a full month, and we're not even halfway through it.

After much discussion, Ben and I have decided to do another round of IUI. Our attitudes are totally different now - last time we were dreaming of names and diapers, and deciding how we would share happy news.

This time we're going through the motions - looking at it as just medicine, trying to stay detached, because we know the results may not be what we want.

This time I've let myself think what life will be like if round two doesn't work.

The doctors would do three rounds of IUI, but if this round doesn't work we probably will not pursue a third. We are going through round two as much for closure as for hope. The odds are not great (even with all the medicine it's only a 15-20% chance), and we've been trying to have a family for almost four years.

I know others "try" longer, but we can't keep going on like this; while we would never begrudge this choice for others, we won't pursue any "next steps" for fertility. It's not a decision we've made lightly, and while we've granted ourselves freedom to change our minds later on, we've been living in limbo, and for the sake of our hearts we need to be able to let go and move on.

I've accepted that we won't have a baby the "normal" way.

I've accepted that we may only have one child because of the difficulty getting pregnant.

But it might soon be time to accept that (at least for awhile), we won't be having kids.

That sounds so defeated, but I don't feel that way. There's something quietly flowing through me - something so foreign that I didn't recognize it at first.

Acceptance.

I know if this doesn't work there will be hard days, bad days, and days full of emotions I'm sure I can't even yet imagine. I doubt it will hurt less. (In fact, it might hurt more).

But for now, I'm starting to prepare myself for that.

Acceptance. Nice to meet you.

15 comments:

Lisa from Lisa's Yarns said...

I am sending you hugs. You are so brave and strong. I know it's really hard to look something in the face - like the possibility that your life will not include kids - and just let it wash over you and accept it. I am thinking of you guys and am always here, especially on those days when you don't feel full of feelings of acceptance... I love you guys!

Kelly (She Wears a Red Sox Cap) said...

I'm glad you've decided to try again...even if you are in a different place this time. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to get your hopes up so many times, so I think the place you are in now is a good one- though I doubt it feels quite that way.
It doesn't mean I don't still wish I could reach through the computer screen, insert a baby into you and watch happily as the baby was super loved by amazed parents. Because I do. Instead I'll send you a million hugs and just a tiny bit of hope for this next round just to get you through the hard times ahead.

Ruth said...

I wish I could pop over and give you a giant hug. I can feel how you're different in this, how much more peace there is here. Acceptance. I like it :)

admin said...

This is one of those things where you can't worry about what everyone else does or how they do it. You need to make the right choice for you, no matter what it is!

hannahbrencher.com said...

"There's something quietly flowing through me - something so foreign that I didn't recognize it at first."

I love that. So much. I am so very proud of you, lady. And I stick by you, through and through.

hb.

Kate @ GreatestEscapist.com said...

Thinking of you, friend, & sending you strength. Your attitude shift doesn't sound defeatist to me - it sounds like an appropriate adjustment given the reality of the ongoing situation (God, that sounds clinical), & I'm sure that beneath it, you retain your optimism, even on days when it's hard to find. This is all quite foreign to me, as it's very far removed from my own life & wants & needs, so I can't pretend to understand or imagine how you're feeling, but whatever's going on it your head & heart? Is totally OK & allowed, & you have my love & support. <3

Nicole Shepard said...

Acceptance - that is huge! LOVE LOVE LOVE to you!

26dishes.com said...

I'm sending you so much love and I am so proud of you for facing this and being able to adjust your sails!

Katelin said...

Oh friend I am thinking of you so much & sending you so much love and happy thoughts. Acceptance is a hard place to be but also a relief. You and Ben are an awesome team and we are all here to support you. xo

Amber said...

Big big BIG hugs. I am glad that you are at this place now but I know it's not exactly an easy place to be either. Love you! XO

Lucy The Valiant said...

You have put this so beautifully. Sending you lots of love and peace and hugs!!

Nora said...

I don't think I can say what's on my heart as well as the others have. So know this: I'm 100% behind you and Ben, come what may for you both in terms of outcomes, your wants, desires, and etc. Always here for you. Much love!

Stephany said...

I think it's amazing that you've come to this place of acceptance and it's a big step. While I can't exactly relate, I can offer all of the support and love I have in me. You are a brave and courageous and strong woman. xo

Emily said...

hugs, prayers, and more hugs sent your way from me to you :)
praying for guidance, direction, and peace.

The Many Thoughts of a Reader said...

((())) thinking of you.

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