Jan 9, 2014

Numb

I'm not sure how to start this post.

The second IUI worked. I got pregnant and we couldn't even believe it. We laughed and cried and even though I'm not a fan of hot weather, we decided summer would be awesome because come August we would become parents.

However, that euphoria was quickly replaced with doubt and concern.

This post isn't for details, but suffice it to say we had as many doctors' visits in a month as you typically do for an entire pregnancy. We knew things weren't looking good - the doctors prepared us for what was likely to happen.

And then it was confirmed.

No heartbeat.

A miscarriage.

Today we're headed in to get a d&c. There's almost a heartbreaking symmetry to this - this pregnancy began in a doctor's office, and will end in one.

I know I haven't fully processed this yet. So much of the past several weeks have been filled with I don't know and wait and see, that I don't think what's happening has really sunk in.

I thought about not blogging about this for another week or so, but I already feel like I haven't really been able to talk about it (even though the blog silence was self-imposed), and you all have been such incredible cheerleaders I wanted you to know what was going on. Thanks in advance for all the support.

23 comments:

erin said...

I am so very, very sorry for your loss, Becky.

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

Oh, Becky, I'm so heartbroken for you two. On the one hand, I would think (at some point, maybe not now), this experience could provide hope that you can indeed become pregnant through another IUI (if that's even an option for you, I don't know) and maybe even successfully carry a baby to term. On the other hand, how can you not question everything about your body, science, medicine and the Universe with such a heartbreaking loss. And how can you even imagine, here, today, that there are more opportunities and possibilities out there when you're facing such an incredible loss and heartbreak. I'm thinking of you guys today, this week, this month, and sending good juju into the Universe for you.

Unknown said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending love & hugs your way.

Stephany said...

I'm so, so, so sorry, Becky. I have no other words for how much your heart must be breaking. Thinking of you! <3

Lacey Bean said...

I'm so sorry to hear :(

Caiti said...

I'm so so sorry, Becky. This brought tears to my eyes. My heart goes out to you and Ben. I'll be thinking of you <3

Kathleen said...

I am so sorry. I have been there and I know the grief. I am here for you if you need to process anything.

Angela Knoll said...

Oh Becky - my heart breaks for you and Ben. We too have been in your shoes and have been through a miscarriage. It will get easier but until then, take time to grieve and be there for each other. Holding you up in prayer!

Kelly (She Wears a Red Sox Cap) said...

There is nothing I can possibly to say to make you feel okay or better in this moment, I know. My reaction is stand on the roof top and scream ITS NOT FAIR like I am a kindergartner, and unfortunately that will not help either. You know already, we love you, we are here for you if you want to vent or stay silent or whatever it is you need to do.

Nora said...

Hugs and love you for and Ben; many thoughts for you in the coming days and weeks. You know I'm here for you and thinking nothing but healing, peaceful thoughts. xoxo

Katelin said...

oh Becky, I'm so so sorry. Sending virtual hugs and a whole lot of love to you and Ben xoxo

Brittany said...

not. effing. fair. no words. becky and ben, i am so sorry for your loss.

Laura Morris said...

Oh no, I am so sorry for your loss.

Amber said...

I'm so sorry. Love you. So many hugs. XO

Shannan said...

Bah. I just kept thinking "NOOOOO!" as I was reading. Thoughts, prayers, whatever you are needing right now--you have.

Kate @ GreatestEscapist.com said...

My dear friend, I'm so, so sorry to hear this. You've been on my mind lately, & amidst my own life mess, I'd been meaning to carve out some time to reach out & catch up. I'm just... so sorry this happened, that what was supposed to be joyful has ended so tragically & painfully. I'm thinking of you more than ever now, sending so much love & support & hoping that you can find some healing from Ben & friends & family & the positivity we're sending your way.

Lisa from Lisa's Yarns said...

I have no words, everything I think to say just seems hollow right now. I am so sorry for your and Ben's loss. Life is just so incredibly unfair sometimes. My heart just hurts for you, so very badly. We are all here for you and are praying for you. I love you heaps and heaps!

melissity said...

I'm so very sorry... Sending healing thoughts your way.

Amber @ A Little Pink in the Cornfields said...

Oh, Becky, I would give anything to be able to give you a huge hug right now. Nothing I can say will make you feel better and nothing will ever make this okay. I pray God's plan makes sense to us someday. Many prayers and many, many virtual hugs. Love you.

Leah Campbell said...

I'm so sorry Becky. There are no words. My heart is just aching for you. So much love coming your way.

Breathe Gently said...

I am so, so sorry. No words will make it better, but we're supporting you. Hugs & strength. x

proseandconstellations.com said...

Oh my goodness, I wish I had the words to express how sorry I am. Sending you enormous amounts of love and support <3

The Many Thoughts of a Reader said...

((())) I'm so sorry.

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