Jan 15, 2014

One week

It's been one week.

Seven days. 168 hours. 10,080 minutes.

It seems like the shortest and longest week of my life.

I can't stop thinking in time - how it passes so quickly and slowly all at once.

The last ten minutes before the procedure crawled by. We were ready and not ready. I cried as I held Ben's hand and told him I was scared. By the time the anesthesiologist came to get me I was laughing.

One of my days started by me sitting on the bathroom floor crying, because the idea of going to work and being normal seemed too overwhelming. I took it one step at a time. (Literally - wash face, dry face. Pick out tights, put on tights). My commute to work that day was slow - it gave me time to breathe and be distracted, but that day ended up going by quickly.

There are moments when I'm worried about other people's problems and what's going on in their lives, and then in the next moment this...situation, this thing that happened makes me want to scream and cry and simply consumes me.

Sometimes it's like nothing has changed - Ben and I still make each other laugh, we talk about what's for dinner or if the dishes are done. And then all of a sudden the realization comes and I think well fuck, as the waves of sadness wash over me.

I don't know how to keep going, but somehow I'm doing it. I would say one week at a time. But right now each moment is a victory.

One at a time.

7 comments:

Katelin said...

"There are moments when I'm worried about other people's problems and what's going on in their lives, and then in the next moment this...situation, this thing that happened makes me want to scream and cry and simply consumes me."

exactly this.

i'm so sorry you're going through this becky & i'm thinking of you so much. i have so much rage that good people have to suffer through things like this and just, ugh. so many hugs.

Lisa from Lisa's Yarns said...

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is just so incredibly unfair and as I have said before, I wish I could away the pain you are experiencing. I think it's wise to not look too far into the future and instead to try to piece your life back together, moment by moment. I continue to pray for you!

Stephany said...

I don't even have words for how sad I am that you're going through this. Like others have said, it is just SO unfair and I'm so upset for you. Hugs. <3

The Many Thoughts of a Reader said...

{{{}}}

erin - mutterings of eringirl said...

Continuing to keep you in my thoughts and prayers Becky...hoping that your heart and body will find peace, and in time, some healing too. Times were rough for me after my miscarriage and D&C. I never felt so alone in my life. The world just kept on spinning yet I felt like time had stopped. Everyone else seemed to have forgotten and moved on and I was still in darkeness and sadness and pain. I don't have any words to make it better, but I want you to know you are not alone.

Amber said...

So much love to you friend. Thinking about you a lot these days. XO

Kim said...

Each moment is a victory. Each week is a triumph. It is a never ending barrage of emotions when you least expect it. Do what you can to be comfortable in the moment.

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