Jan 20, 2014

The silent sorority

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.
           - Martin Luther King Jr.

I've been taking a lot of comfort in words lately. This isn't surprising - words are my thing - but I keep thinking about how many other women have gone through infertility, or miscarriage, or pregnancy loss, or the loss of a child. I'm only a little over a week into this but I know one thing.

It changes you.

I've been listening to The Civil Wars a lot lately, (I did this after our failed IUI as well); their songs always manage to speak to me. I was listening to "Dust to Dust" over and over and realized this song is what I would want to hear from someone as well as what I would want to tell others who have been through similar situations. It's not easy to talk about, but I do - it helps me process, but more importantly because it might helping someone else.

So here's something for you and me - a love letter of sorts, just in musical form.

Dust to Dust

It's not your eyes
It's not what you say 
It's not your laughter 
That gives you away
You're just lonely
You've been lonely, too long

Oh you're acting your thin disguise (the smiles at showers, the slight flinch when the conversation around you turns to children, the tight smile as you pretend this doesn't affect you)
All your perfectly delivered lines ("no, we don't have kids," "eventually we'll have them,")
They don't fool me (I too have said these while trying to smile and not let on that questions can sometimes crush a spirit)
You've been lonely, too long

Let me in the wall (it's hard to strip away those defense mechanisms)
You've built around (it's how you can keep going - sometimes even hardening your heart)
We can light a match
And burn it down (the guilt, the grief, the betrayal of our bodies)
Let me hold your hand (then we're connected - crying or screaming or just in silence)
And dance 'round and 'round the flames (we can do this, we can get through this)
In front of us
Dust to dust (leave it as ash, and let us rise from it)

You've held your head up (even when you thought you couldn't)
You've fought the fight (no matter what decisions you've made or what you've been through, you are a fighter)
You bear the scars (as any warrior does)
You've done your time (no kidding - time is like dog years - and you've earned a medal just for surviving)
Listen to me
You've been lonely, too long...

You're like a mirror, reflecting me (there's not always something you can do, sometimes you just have to be)
Takes one to know one, so take it from me... (I've been there - I'm still there)
We've been lonely (yes we have)
We've been lonely, too long (but you're not alone)


Lisa from Lisa's Yarns said...

Beautiful post, Becky. I love The Civil Wars albums. Their songs are so beautiful, almost eerily. I am glad you found some words that resonated with you. It seems like many silently battle things like this so I think you being vocal about it shows that it's ok and healthy to do so. I continue to think of you guys and pray for you. xoxo

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

Very powerful words, Becky. I'm glad to see it helps you to read and relate to words in all their many forms.

Stephany said...

Beautiful, my friend. Been thinking about you a lot lately. <3

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