I decided my theme for the year would be to shimmer. I told you about our follow-up appointment where we were told an IUI was our best chance of getting pregnant, and then our decision to take time off of all things fertility. I visited a used bookstore with the funniest sign ever, and I finished knitting my first ever baby blanket (even though it was the size of...at least four babies).
I decided my monthly intention would be to "make the appearance," and I had a blast doing it. However, you wouldn't find that out until April because I decided at the last minute to give up blogging for Lent!
Still Lent! No blogging!
I returned full force! A lot can happen in 40 days including getting a tattoo, making the appearance like a champ, and having my first hard "fertility" day since we took our break. Ben and I visited St. Louis and decided yes we could live there, even though a penguin mocked me. I mourned the Boston bombing, reflected on the shame of silence during National Infertility Awareness Week, and ended the month with a whirlwind trip to Vegas.
This month was quieter on the blogging front. I had some hard days of letting go of the dream of having a baby the "normal" way. Fortunately, this was the month I met Kyla and Ashley which was the most fabulous! I also wrote a very hard breakup letter to a very crappy top coat. (Things got real people).
This month we were entertained by our niece and introduced her to pizza bagels. Ben and I decided to go forward with the IUI, and we were pumped and ready for it. This is also the month where I read The Night Circus which would later be the theme for my 30th birthday!
The month of the first IUI. I did "belated blogging" throughout this process and talked about building hope, reality setting in, our gratefulness for being surrounded by love, and how even when you're ready for something, sometimes you have a bit of a freakout. I read some fabulous books, including Carry On, Warrior, and it's not an exaggeration to say that book was life-changing for me.
This was a month of sadness for us. We found out the IUI didn't work and were crushed. We coped with music, friends, each other, and with the everyday moments. I went from sad to angry and knew I was moving through the stages of grief.
August was heartbreak, September was healing. Even when the weather doesn't cooperate, to me, September means autumn. New month. Fresh start. I celebrated being brave, making pretty good progress on my 30 before 30 list, mused on what I learned in my twenties, (sleep trumps household tasks, reading trumps sleep), and welcomed 30 with a fabulous Night Circus-themed midnight dinner! I finished the month with reading Tiny Beautiful Things and it was so good it's still sitting on my nightstand so I can thumb through it every so often.
|Why yes I DO still think about this cake.|
This month was kind of a whirlwind - starting with the ridiculous government shutdown that affected so many people. A few days later Ben and I marked six years of marriage, and even had a photo shoot to celebrate! We decided to go gluten free and while it wasn't long-lived, we were surprised with how much we enjoyed it. We ended the month by road-tripping to see Ben honored for his art and to celebrate the coolest library ever. A good month indeed!
I could sum up this month by simply saying Braveheart - this is when I got on my Scottish kick and was reading all the Scottish romance novels and watching Braveheart every day. (If you think I'm exaggerating, ask Ben). I had a blast with my handmade holiday series, and also bought the funniest bag ever for my yarn and knitting supplies. Ben and I decided to pursue another round of IUI (with different attitudes this time), and we recognized that even though a lot of this year had been hard we were still thankful.
According to my blog posts, in December I was wrapped up in the 12 Days of Love Letter Writing for More Love Letters, and focusing on love and the holidays. While that was definitely true, overall December was the month I was pregnant. I wrote draft blog posts of how I would share the news with you all when it was time, and we got excited thinking how we would have a baby with us next Christmas. Then it all went to shit. I didn't actually miscarry until early January, but this year was definitely book ended with fertility.
And my original theme to shimmer? There were times it didn't feel like it, but yeah, I conquered that.