Feb 9, 2014

Coping

One month since she's been gone.

We're coping. Holding her and each other close. Sometimes talking about her, sometimes not. I'm now seeing a therapist who is compassionate and wonderful. We're moving forward, but not yet moving on.

We've received cards and notes, flowers and food - we are surrounded by so much love it humbles us.

A friend sent me bright yellow yarn and I made what I'm calling my sunshine scarf. I love it.
Sometimes I write to process, sometimes I read for a distraction (I've been all over Goodreads lately), and sometimes I just sit.

We're...coping.

(Below is something I wrote recently - thank you for all the comments and support here. There might be times when you don't know what to say - hell, there I times I don't know what to say - and I don't want any of you to feel like you have to comment. Right now this is a way for me to process. I appreciate you all just being here).


I wake up with sadness now. It's not always immediate, but each morning it sneaks in and settles around my heart.

I listen to the ice crunch under my boots and recognize how I won't ever build a snowman with my daughter.

I think of lessons I've learned and ones I can teach, and only hope that since she's in Heaven she knows them already.

I walk past little girl clothes in stores and touch them longingly, wondering about what could have been.

I feel grateful for my incredible husband who makes me laugh more than I ever thought possible. I imagine she would have had his capacity for love.

Some days are horrible, some are fine, and yet others are a mix of both. I don't know why I couldn't carry her longer, but she will now forever be carried in my heart.

7 comments:

Kelly (She Wears a Red Sox Cap) said...

You are right, I never know what to say... mainly because there are only so many times that I can say I hate that this happened to you guys and that I know this little girl would've been the luckiest to have you two as parents. And even when I say it again, it feels like not enough to express how I really feel about it. I love to talk and I love to write, but in these moments I don't know words that are enough... and does anyone? So, I just keep reading every day and continue to be humbled by your strength and honesty. I'll keep commenting, just so you know I'm here :)

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

That passage is beautifully written, Becky. Clearly written from the heart. I know you're incredibly brave for facing life's biggest obstacles. And, while I might feel uncomfortable at times or might not know what to say or might be repeating things I've said in the past, I'm OK with that, because it pales in comparison to the wave of emotions you're feeling. And, your honesty about your loss isn't something I've experienced before. I know others who have miscarried or lost loved ones, but they process and grieve in private. And, while most of your grieving is also private, you are sharing so much about your journey. So, thank you for sharing something that is so painful and intense and debilitating, because it helps me to learn so much about you and what you're all about. Oh, and like Kelly says, I'm here, too, even when I have very little to say.

Katelin said...

"Sometimes I write to process, sometimes I read for a distraction "

Yes, this. We all need a little escape sometimes and sometimes there really just isn't much we can say or can do to change anything. I love your sunshine scarf so very much and hope it helps bring some light your way. xo

Kate @ GreatestEscapist.com said...

Still thinking of you, friend. Reading all your words & sending you all of my heart.

Lisa from Lisa's Yarns said...

I am always here for you and know I don't have the words to make this better and easier but I will always listen. I admire your honesty, I think it takes courage to put yourself out there like you have, but I think it likely will touch other readers who are dealing with difficult things, whether it's the loss of a baby, or another form of loss. So don't ever forget how brave you are, ok? Love you friend.

Nora said...

I love that you write and share; like Lisa said for your own purpose & processing but also to help others who stumble upon your blog. Always here. Xoxo

The Many Thoughts of a Reader said...

<3

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