Mar 17, 2014

Now what

Infertility is such bullshit. 

Putting aside that Ben and I have been trying to expand our family for years; putting aside that we had to readjust everything we'd ever thought about having a baby; putting aside that getting pregnant involved doctor's appointments and blood draws; putting aside that we saw a heartbeat and then I had a miscarriage; putting aside the grief that we're dealing with.

Now what?

Our lives are different, yet the same. We're planning for the year, but as I make plans, part of me wishes I couldn't go certain places, because I should have been too pregnant to travel.

Someone at work told me I look like I've been losing weight - normally that would make my day. Instead I went to the bathroom and cried, because by now I would have definitely been showing. 

I can't even imagine how I'm going to be come August - the month we would have brought her home.

Now what?

We can't just "try again." Getting pregnant doesn't just happen for me. It took us three plus years and two IUIs before we got a positive sign.

So now what?

We mourn the loss of our daughter until we feel - I don't know healed, or better, and then what? We try another IUI? We look at more invasive fertility procedures that we're not crazy about and know we can't afford? We look at adoption (even though that's just as expensive as those procedures)? We live child-free?

We were finally out of limbo - I was pregnant. We were thrilled. We were going to become parents.

And here we are again. Waiting. Processing. Grieving. Unsure.

Now what?

11 comments:

Sizzle said...

We are in a similar boat. I have no answers, just sympathy.

Lisa from Lisa's Yarns said...

I, too, have no answers. Just sympathy and compassion for the difficult things you are dealing with. I am glad that you are keeping yourself busy as that was my best defense mechanism against slipping into complete despair over the last year, but it's not ideal to have to plan so much and stay so busy to keep your mind off the reality of your situation. I will be thinking of you as we approach August and move beyond that month as I know that will be an especially difficult time. Love you. xoxo

Kelly (She Wears a Red Sox Cap) said...

I actually have tears reading this post and they are tears of SO MUCH FRUSTRATION. Infertility really is SUCH bullshit. Bullshit isn't even a strong enough word. I don't even know where to start in all that makes me so angry but lets start with why is adoption something the average person cannot afford... I mean, HELLO, kids everywhere who need parents exactly like you and Ben. Frustration. I won't even get into the unfairness of the fact that you should be able to have a baby anyway because again, you would be the best parents ever.
Anyway, I'm sure my rant of frustration is not going to help you SO, let's instead say I love you, we are all here for you now, in August, and for whatever IS next. You don't have to decide that today, and you can change your mind as many times as you like.

Nora said...

Here for you when you need to vent, cry, scream and kick. I love you both so much and am always here. Big hugs.

Amber said...

Echoing the ladies who said they have no answers but are here for you. I am so so SO sorry you are going through this and I hate it. It's so damn frustrating. And I agree with Kelly, WHY is adoption so expensive? There are SO many kids who need good parents. It should be more accessible.

Much much MUCH love to you.

Katelin said...

I know we are at such different stages right now, but I've been feeling a lot of this lately too. A lot of the, "I don't want to make those plans because I wish I was too pregnant to go" or "my birthday is coming up and I want to have a party, but I really hope that I won't be able to drink". It's a whole lot of limbo and I'm so sorry you and Ben are there.

I'm so glad you have each other and so glad that even though you don't know what to do next, you're in it together.

And if I had a money tree to pay for all of this fertility nonsense I'd definitely send another one your way. If only it were so easy to say "yes, let's do another IUI" because the costs of everything are crippling and I'm slowly figuring that out as well.

Basically what I want to say is that I am thinking of you guys so much and that I completely agree with you, Infertility is such bullshit.

The Many Thoughts of a Reader said...

((()))

Breathe Gently said...

It IS bullshit. There are no other words to describe it. So much love to you guys. x

Nicole said...

I am so sorry, love. Hugs to you!

Lindsay Sharpe said...

Becky, I had three unexplained, devastating miscarriages between the birth of my first two children. Then I hemorrhaged during the birth of the second and needed emergency surgery because I lost two liters of blood. We adopted our third child in August and the process was so quick that I couldn't have gotten pregnant and given birth in the amount of time it took to complete our home study, be matched with her birth mother, wait for her to be born, and bring her home. It's not always so easy but it can be. We did an agency adoption but adopting through foster care is usually FREE. And there are infants, newborns even, available for adoption! My youngest child is as much my daughter as the two to whom I gave birth. True,, every woman has the basic biological right to become pregnant but it just doesn't always happen for one crappy reason or another. There is more than one way to build a family :-)

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

No one should have to deal with these open-ended questions that don't have right answers and not even clear answers. It's so frustrating. I wish I could do more to help you in your process, but I know this is a road that you and Ben must travel together. I'm so glad you have each other.

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