All days are not like this, but when there are hard days I appreciate the community here where I can share. Thanks for sticking around.
When I first got engaged, every time I met someone new I found myself looking at their left ring finger. I wasn't judging them based on their marital status, but rather looking for a shared experience.
I would see an engagement ring and think, hey I'm engaged too! I would see a wedding band and think, I'll be married soon too! Even if we never discussed marriage, to me, a small bond was formed.
Now I see the baby bumps.
Wherever I am (although especially at Target), my eyes slide of their own accord to the protruding bellies of expecting mothers. I try to guess how far along she is and think of how if I were still pregnant we might have shared a weary smile, both knowing the happiness and struggles of carrying a child.
I wish I could laugh along with her and her friend as they fill her shopping cart with stretchy waistband pants and flow-y dresses, the delight in their voices as they talk about her getting bigger. I envy her sore back and swollen ankles, her frequent trips to the bathroom, and even the comments from others who say, "savor this, because once the baby is born your life will be turned upside down."
I would savor it, I want to whisper as I push my cart past them.
I didn't care about morning sickness or gaining weight. My motto when I was first pregnant was never been so happy to feel so crappy. I didn't expect pregnancy to be glamorous, and I didn't care if it flew by because then we'd be meeting our baby.
I'd be 20 weeks now - halfway through. This would be the time for anatomy scans and gender reveals, and almost being viable.
These women I envy - they are strangers. I don't know their story and they don't know mine.
I don't begrudge her that pregnancy, but I wish for mine back.