Mar 25, 2014

Strangers on the Street

All days are not like this, but when there are hard days I appreciate the community here where I can share. Thanks for sticking around.

When I first got engaged, every time I met someone new I found myself looking at their left ring finger. I wasn't judging them based on their marital status, but rather looking for a shared experience.

I would see an engagement ring and think, hey I'm engaged too! I would see a wedding band and think, I'll be married soon too! Even if we never discussed marriage, to me, a small bond was formed.

Now I see the baby bumps.

Wherever I am (although especially at Target), my eyes slide of their own accord to the protruding bellies of expecting mothers. I try to guess how far along she is and think of how if I were still pregnant we might have shared a weary smile, both knowing the happiness and struggles of carrying a child.

I wish I could laugh along with her and her friend as they fill her shopping cart with stretchy waistband pants and flow-y dresses, the delight in their voices as they talk about her getting bigger. I envy her sore back and swollen ankles, her frequent trips to the bathroom, and even the comments from others who say, "savor this, because once the baby is born your life will be turned upside down."

I would savor it, I want to whisper as I push my cart past them.

I didn't care about morning sickness or gaining weight. My motto when I was first pregnant was never been so happy to feel so crappy. I didn't expect pregnancy to be glamorous, and I didn't care if it flew by because then we'd be meeting our baby.

I'd be 20 weeks now - halfway through. This would be the time for anatomy scans and gender reveals, and almost being viable.

These women I envy - they are strangers. I don't know their story and they don't know mine.

I don't begrudge her that pregnancy, but I wish for mine back.


Lisa from Lisa's Yarns said...

I am glad that you are continuing to share posts like this. It always helps me to put my emotions and experiences into words and then to hear others encouraging/supporting comment. I think the last line is perfect and so eloquent. I know you don't begrudge others for the fact that they are pregnant because you are the kind of person who wants the best for others and you are genuinely happy for others. But dangit - I wish you were sharing their experience. It's all just so incredibly unfair. :( I continue to think of you and Ben and baby Cecilia. xoxo

Kelly (She Wears a Red Sox Cap) said...

"I don't begrudge her that pregnancy, but I wish for mine back."
I love this line, and your whole post. I don't love the situation (actually I HATE IT) but I love how truthfully you share it with your readers. I can't imagine how it is for you when it just seems like the whole damn world is pregnant except for you. I still hold out hope that one day you will be one of those women in Target who's clothes don't fit.

Alli said...

So I know that it's true that you don't begrudge others their pregnancies, I want to remind you that it's ok to be angry and it's ok to focus that anger (internally on strangers). I know that you are thrilled for all of your friends who are pregnant and already have babies, but if sometimes you need to look at a pregnant stranger and think, "She looks like a snotty bitch. I bet her and her husband are awful people who don't even deserve a baby," that's ok. I know that in your heart of hearts you don't wish ill on anyone and you don't pass judgement on random strangers, but sometimes anger and righteous indignation help us heal and their is no harm in it when it's directed at people you'll never even speak to.

The Many Thoughts of a Reader said...


Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

Hard. That's what your situation is. Hard to embrace (if that's even possible) your reality. Hard to see others with the outcome you want. Hard to be happy for others and so very sad for yourself. Hard to figure out how to reconcile that, how to come to peace with that (does one come to peace with that). My heart is heavy because it's so hard for you. But, I appreciate your openness and your willingness to talk about this hard journey you're on.

Nora said...

It's going to take more than a few thoughtful and well-written posts to scare us away; of course we are going to stick around. That's how it goes in this community.

you know I'm sending you hugs and think of you daily. Such a beautiful and heartbreaking post, Becky. Love to you and Burrito Ben and Cece. oxoxo

Katelin said...

Friend I am so glad you share these posts and of course we're sticking around, we are all here for you. Sometimes I feel redundant when I share posts like these, but it's how you're/we're feeling and they need to be said and need to be shared to know you're not alone.

Sending so much love and hugs xoxo

Also, sweet mercy I agree about Target. As much as I love that place it's like a breeding ground for pregnant people, goodness!

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