I got a Monday morning email yesterday from a fabulous woman.
I was skimming the email, trying to take in the goodness, but I could feel my mind wandering to the countless other things I needed to do to get my day started. And then, right at the end, my mind came to a screeching halt as I read these words:
You are small. You are a fleck. You are a speck. That doesn't mean you're not capable. Some things are just bigger than you. That's why other people exist. It doesn't matter "why" you have to rebuild. The real point is that you aren't alone in a bit of it. You are not rebuilding alone.
I stopped and stared at my computer, soaking it in.
It doesn't matter "why" you have to rebuild it. The real point is that you aren't alone in a bit of it. You are not rebuilding alone.
For the past week I've been exhausted. Emotionally, physically, mentally - simply wiped. Advocacy Day was incredible, but a lot more draining than I anticipated. It stirred up feelings of sadness and doubt, and guilt for thinking about the future. The days haven't been as hard as those right after we lost Cece, and I've finally started to feel a bit more like myself lately.
January left me knocked down, flat on my back, unsure of whether I could move again. Slowly, oh so slowly, I have sat up, gathered my courage, and now I'd say I'm kneeling. I'm not standing yet, but I'm getting there.
There were times I thought the brokenness would last forever, but those stones that once threatened to crush me are now helping me rebuild. One at a time.
Rebuilding my hopes, dreams, and expectations. Rebuilding how I see the world. Rebuilding my heart.
Ben and I are a team - but sometimes, I forget how many people are rooting for us. How many people pray for us, send us good thoughts, and well wishes on a daily basis.
I've been sporadic with blogging recently but I don't feel bad about that. I know this community will be here whether it's a post about infertility, or the latest book I'm reading. Thank you for being here and being supportive.
Thank you for helping me rebuild.