May 20, 2014


I got a Monday morning email yesterday from a fabulous woman.

I was skimming the email, trying to take in the goodness, but I could feel my mind wandering to the countless other things I needed to do to get my day started. And then, right at the end, my mind came to a screeching halt as I read these words:

You are small. You are a fleck. You are a speck. That doesn't mean you're not capable. Some things are just bigger than you. That's why other people exist. It doesn't matter "why" you have to rebuild. The real point is that you aren't alone in a bit of it. You are not rebuilding alone.

I stopped and stared at my computer, soaking it in.

It doesn't matter "why" you have to rebuild it. The real point is that you aren't alone in a bit of it. You are not rebuilding alone.

For the past week I've been exhausted. Emotionally, physically, mentally - simply wiped. Advocacy Day was incredible, but a lot more draining than I anticipated. It stirred up feelings of sadness and doubt, and guilt for thinking about the future. The days haven't been as hard as those right after we lost Cece, and I've finally started to feel a bit more like myself lately.

January left me knocked down, flat on my back, unsure of whether I could move again. Slowly, oh so slowly, I have sat up, gathered my courage, and now I'd say I'm kneeling. I'm not standing yet, but I'm getting there.

There were times I thought the brokenness would last forever, but those stones that once threatened to crush me are now helping me rebuild. One at a time.

Rebuilding my hopes, dreams, and expectations. Rebuilding how I see the world. Rebuilding my heart.

Ben and I are a team - but sometimes, I forget how many people are rooting for us. How many people pray for us, send us good thoughts, and well wishes on a daily basis.

I've been sporadic with blogging recently but I don't feel bad about that. I know this community will be here whether it's a post about infertility, or the latest book I'm reading. Thank you for being here and being supportive.

Thank you for helping me rebuild.


Nora said...

We are always here for you. The lovely thing about the blog world is that eventually your blog transcends this space... it turns into texts and emails, trips and calls, cards and packages. We are your army, Becky, always backing you up, always there. xo

Alli said...

Love this post and I'm always rooting for you guys!

Katelin said...

Yes to all of this. Like Nora said, we're always here for you xoxo

Emily said...

we love you guys! praying every day. and as always, thank you for your honesty and vulnerability :)

Lisa from Lisa's Yarns said...

I am glad you guys do not feel alone and feel a sense of community as you rebuild, brick by brick. I think even the fact that you don't feel as shattered as you did in January is progress, even if it's inch by inch. I think you guys are so incredibly strong. I continue to think of you and pray for you.

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

"It takes a village" ... such a true sentiment and not just about raising the next generation. I cannot imagine picking up the pieces alone. Sure, there will be times when you'll need to process things alone or take that next step alone ... but, there will always be people there to offer helping hands and a supportive spirit. I am happy to see that you're figuring out your way to rebuild.

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