Sep 21, 2014

Peace

This morning, I had a moment.

Like most moments in my life, it wasn't a big fanfare, or some kind of celebration, but rather a quiet realization - an everyday kind of moment, if you will.

I came downstairs and opened the blinds to our back doors. The sunlight greeted me, and as I leaned down to smell the hydrangea on the table, I was filled with such a sense of peace. I grabbed my camera to see if I could try and capture this scene, and as I was snapping photos, my eyes started to blur.

I put down the camera and let those tears spill over. For the first time since my pregnancy, I was at peace.

I sat at the table, staring at these flowers, letting myself remember. Remembering my pregnancy, remembering it ending, and remembering the all-consuming grief that followed it.

I don't know that you ever "get over" having a miscarriage. Just when you think you're doing better, something unexpected triggers you and you feel like you're back at square one.

But for the first time since we lost Cece, I felt peace.

Maybe it's because we're finally in a place that we love and can be open to change, or maybe it's because I did the work and let myself grieve.

But this moment, this tiny little moment, almost overwhelmed me. There were so many occasions this year where I couldn't imagine what later would look like, and today, I'm here.

I will always carry her with me. Moving on doesn't mean forgetting.

But my heart is filled with peace. And I couldn't be happier about it.

9 comments:

The Many Thoughts of a Reader said...

(((()))

Lisa from Lisa's Yarns said...

Oh this makes me so happy. Being in a place where you feel peace and contentment is a big deal. And like you said, getting to this place doesn't mean you won't continue to acknowledge her loss and you will carry that loss with you for the rest of your life, but I am happy to hear that it's not so raw and that you are getting to a place where peace and contentment happen naturally instead being something you have to choose.

Stephany said...

I'm so glad you have reached this place right now. I hope this feeling of peace and contentment continues! Hugs, friend.

Amber said...

I'm so so happy to hear this friend. I know how hard this year has been for you and you so deserve to feel at peace! I hope this feeling continues. Love you!

Side note, have you shared photos of your place yet? Because that is a beautiful picture and I want to see more pics of the new place!

Ruth Clark said...

Beautiful, Becky.

Nora said...

This is just beautiful. <3

Katelin said...

Love this, xo

Kate @ GreatestEscapist.com said...

I know this is not the same, but in some ways, I expect some of it was: One day, I felt this way, suddenly, about my ex-boyfriend, who committed suicide when I was in high school. I was standing at his grave site, & so it was a less organic, perhaps more contrived moment, but all of a sudden, I know: It was OK. I was OK. He will always be a part of me, & his death will always affect me & shape me. But one day, it just felt... like life would go on, even if life was forever different.

I can't wait to see what life sends your way, Becky. You have been through so much & have felt so much but always remain so positive & forward-thinking. There is so much more to come. <3

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

What a raw and absolutely beautiful post, Becky. You deserve to be at peace and to even find moments filled with joy and happiness. It's taken a lot of work to get where you are, but I'm so happy you've arrived.

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