A year ago, Ben and I headed into our specialist's office to hear about the status of my pregnancy. I remember we had to wait longer than usual, and how apologetic the doctor was about the delay once we were finally in the room. I remember the ultrasound machine turning itself off, right as we were about to get started, and how that made me laugh, helping to alleviate some tension as we waited for it to reboot.
I remember the doctor searching the black and white screen that no longer flickered, saying, "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat." I remember how kind she was when talking to us about our options, and how my nurse gave me a hug before we left. It was called a "missed miscarriage."
I remember sending emails to update people, and resting on the couch, while waiting for the confirmation of our d&c time. I remember being sad but not crying. That afternoon I went out and bought a birthstone necklace for August, the month I was due.
posting about everything. I was comforted by the messages flooding my phone as we made our way to the facility in Maryland. I remember thinking we were surrounded by the best people possible - the staff couldn't have been kinder, and we even laughed with our nurse as we were waiting.
I remember in the last ten minutes or so before I went into the operating room I held Ben's hand and tears trickled from my eyes. I said, "I'm scared," but what I really meant was, "I'm sad." I got walked into the room and I remember looking back over my shoulder at Ben and just saying, "I love you, I love you." I wasn't nervous about the procedure, but rather that he had to be by himself during it.
I remember the grogginess after waking up, the discomfort on the way home, and how I felt more fine than I expected to be. That night we went to bed early, but I couldn't sleep. I remember closing the door to the bedroom, not wanting to wake Ben - I knew he was exhausted and also hurting. I texted a friend and when she called me I remember it all hitting me at once.
I sat on the floor of the bathroom sobbing, telling her I didn't want to go to sleep because if I didn't go to sleep maybe it hadn't happened - maybe it wasn't real. I don't remember what she said, but she talked to me, and I think at one point even made me laugh. Eventually that night I slept, but I remember it was a few days before I felt rested.
I remember, I remember, I remember.
We love you Cecelia Grace, and we will always remember you.