Feb 12, 2016

Separation Anxiety

I just read this post and cried. Big fat, ugly tears, that I tried to smother because I didn't want Parks to hear me (nevermind that we are not in the same room and there's a sound machine on). I cried because I loved the authenticity of the post and because I can relate to so much of it. Ben and I are on opposite work schedules, and sometimes we barely see each other, and when we do the conversations are a series of rapid-fire questions and answers. "How was your day? How did he act? How did he eat? Did he poop? What kind of poop? How long did he nap? Did you give him the gas drops? Do you think he'll sleep tonight?" (Trust me, I could go on). We are making it through, but it's hard. It's hard.

Sarah posted a picture of this necklace on Instagram, and I cried. (Then immediately started following that shop on Instagram). We call Parks baby bird and I think it's just perfect. When I showed Ben and he told me he wanted to get me the necklace for Valentine' Day, I cried.

I've read that we might start to see some separation anxiety with P soon - crying when we're leaving and such. So far so good, but I feel like I'm struggling with this instead. There have been days in the past few weeks where I swear I miss him as much as I did when I first went back to work. It's like a resurgence of hormones, and I cry. (Are you seeing a trend?)

The truth is I've cried more lately than I have in awhile. For the time being I've added middle of the night pumps back into my schedule (to see if this will help my supply), so I'm now pumping seven times a day, one of which is at three in the morning. So yeah, I'm exhausted, which means I cry more easily about things.

But the other truth is motherhood is exactly and nothing like what I expected. I knew it would be hard, but I had no idea the depth of how and what I would worry about, and the dichotomy is how much I want a break, yet at the same time don't ever want to let him go.

I'm learning, and crying, and knowing this too shall pass. And when the house is a mess but Parks has fallen asleep on me, I've gotten really good at plopping on the couch and breathing him in. (After all, it helps with the separation anxiety).

7 comments:

Kate @ GreatestEscapist.com said...

I love your motherhood posts. You seem like such a natural, even when you're struggling; you were made to be Parker's mama.

The Many Thoughts of a Reader said...

<3 my philosophy is my house will be clean when i'm old and alone with no kiddos to entertain. Or start caring about that ha.

Emily said...

you're an amazing woman and momma. thank you for sharing the real life stuff....it helps all us mommas feel united!!!

Lisa from Lisa's Yarns said...

Thanks for sharing such honest posts about what it is like to be a mom. I think it is probably the hardest but most important job you'll ever do. Exhaustion is so tough. That's why it's used as a form of torture for political prisoners. It makes EVERYTHING so much harder.

I hope that your supply goes up soon so that you can skip that 3 am pumping session as I getting longer stretches of work will hopefully help on the exhaustion side of things. For the time being, hang in there and know that there are lots of us thinking about you! And I say to let the dream of a clean or organized house go - at least for awhile until you are sleeping more and Parks is more self-sufficient!

Katelin said...

Love this. You are such a champ and such a wonderful mama to Parks.

Nora said...

Love you, your honesty, your sharing. <3

Amber said...

I love that first post you shared and just sent it to my best friend who is a month away from baby #2. Sending hugs your way! xoxo

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