I just read this post and cried. Big fat, ugly tears, that I tried to smother because I didn't want Parks to hear me (nevermind that we are not in the same room and there's a sound machine on). I cried because I loved the authenticity of the post and because I can relate to so much of it. Ben and I are on opposite work schedules, and sometimes we barely see each other, and when we do the conversations are a series of rapid-fire questions and answers. "How was your day? How did he act? How did he eat? Did he poop? What kind of poop? How long did he nap? Did you give him the gas drops? Do you think he'll sleep tonight?" (Trust me, I could go on). We are making it through, but it's hard. It's hard.
Sarah posted a picture of this necklace on Instagram, and I cried. (Then immediately started following that shop on Instagram). We call Parks baby bird and I think it's just perfect. When I showed Ben and he told me he wanted to get me the necklace for Valentine' Day, I cried.
I've read that we might start to see some separation anxiety with P soon - crying when we're leaving and such. So far so good, but I feel like I'm struggling with this instead. There have been days in the past few weeks where I swear I miss him as much as I did when I first went back to work. It's like a resurgence of hormones, and I cry. (Are you seeing a trend?)
The truth is I've cried more lately than I have in awhile. For the time being I've added middle of the night pumps back into my schedule (to see if this will help my supply), so I'm now pumping seven times a day, one of which is at three in the morning. So yeah, I'm exhausted, which means I cry more easily about things.
But the other truth is motherhood is exactly and nothing like what I expected. I knew it would be hard, but I had no idea the depth of how and what I would worry about, and the dichotomy is how much I want a break, yet at the same time don't ever want to let him go.
I'm learning, and crying, and knowing this too shall pass. And when the house is a mess but Parks has fallen asleep on me, I've gotten really good at plopping on the couch and breathing him in. (After all, it helps with the separation anxiety).